Many of those who attend college usually walk away in four to six years, depending on how willing their parents are to fund their child’s debauchery, with a degree that can pay the bills and also provide for some extra spending money — assuming that debauchery didn’t include a child out of wedlock. In that case, may God be with them and their bank accounts.
Universities set an expectation that students will arrive on campus smiling, ambitious and ready to obtain a higher level of education that will one day propel them into the world and into success.
Along with this set expectation, universities expect their students to set their minds on a goal, that will later set them up to find a spouse, with whom they can set their kids up to one day meet a university’s set expectations. Life is just a repetition of “sets.”
In between the “set” moments of college are the moments where you can accomplish any personal goals you have. The freedom of not living under the same roof as your parents is exhilarating and provides more than enough time to finally figure out, say, how to be the last one standing in a game of “Fortnite.”
The meaningless opportunities are endless and you probably will not accomplish the goals you set out to defeat before you graduate and end up living back home with your parents, still trying to figure out how to beat “Fortnite.” Here are five things undergrads say they’ll conquer before graduation but never get around to doing.
1. Have sex in the library.
Maybe the challenge of trying to stay quiet enough as to not draw the attention of others in your dorm room hall wasn’t thrilling enough. A library offers a whole new world of obstacles and adventures, yet, the excuses to avoid this one are countless:
“I’ve never been to the library. Where is it?”
“The cross-eyed janitor is on duty between the hours of 12 and 2 a.m. and I wouldn’t be able to tell if he’s watching us or looking at the mess in front of him.”
“The tables in the library are made of oak and I consulted with my doctor and he told me that lying on an oak surface can cause scoliosis of the spine.”
“I have a book that’s a year overdue and I can’t risk being caught.”
“I’m a Mormon.”
As cool and dangerous as it may sound, the reality of it happening is slim. Hence the term “fantasy.”
2. Smoke a blunt in the quad.
The view would be impeccable and the tranquility would be as serene as it gets. The squirrels running around and digging through the trash cans would seem less disgusting. The moon would seem that much brighter. The campus police officer walking in your direction….crap.
Being confined to the inside of a room that has all of the blinds closed, smells like a black ice air freshener and has “Jeopardy” on in the background can be depressing. It’s not irrational to think that something that is naturally grown outside should also be naturally enjoyed outside.
Your grandma was probably under the influence of several joints (and more than likely a few other narcotics as well) when she was outside becoming one with Mother Nature at Woodstock in 1969. Why can’t you have the right to be a hippie, too?
A hefty, underachieving campus police officer aside, there are mainly two factors suppressing your right to be a hippie: food and paranoia. The perpetuating thought of getting caught would make the experience unnerving.
Each drag from the butt of a 99 cent Dutch Masters wrap would be met with the frightening image of the time your mother put the fear of God in you with the words, “If you smoke the grass, I’ll beat your ass.” Even more unnerving is the thought that the closest fast food restaurant is a treacherous 15-minute walk away. Not worth it.
3. Get a tattoo.
No, getting your roommate’s initials inked on your left butt cheek because they skunked you in a game of pool and “house rules are house rules” doesn’t count. It takes a special kind of person to get a tattoo that has significance.
Some aspects of society and certain jobs ostracize those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. It seems unfair to judge those who want to mark themselves with something that is important to them.
The fear of being judged for expressing individuality is a plausible reason as to why many refrain from getting a tattoo. The thought of having something “forever” etched in the skin also seems to dampen the excitement.
4. Learn to play the guitar.
It’s everybody’s dream to be able to play a six-chord in front of thousands of cheering fans. Every rockstar got their first big break somewhere. Strumming “Margaritaville” on a nice, April day in the middle of campus seems like a possible way to jumpstart your career to stardom.
If Jimmy Buffet can be famous for singing songs about cheeseburgers, getting drunk on a beach and looking for a lost shaker of salt, so can you.
But it’s hard to get a mass following of parrot heads. Unlike the middle-aged, carefree, degenerate fans of Jimmy Buffet, the sophisticated youth don’t want to listen to you sing about whether it was her or your “fault” on their way to class.
Endless hours of figuring out that quick transition from the C to E minor chord is a waste of time. It’s more fun to put on the straw hat, inconspicuously fill a cup with a margarita, plop down on a bench on campus and pretend to know how to play the guitar.
5. Defeat the game “Fortnite.”
Quit hiding in the bushes and come out and fight with some dignity, cowards!