It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The annual time to gather around with friends (and possibly family, if they are into this kind of thing) and be merry, joyful and laugh even though no joke was told at all, has finally come.
Just as Santa Claus is to Christmas and the “Seinfeld” cast is to Festivus, the likes of Bob Marley, Willie Nelson and *insert name of mainstream rapper here* is to the granddaddy of them all, the 4/20 holiday.
It is a day so special that it does not even need a clever name. It simply just needs the date of its occurrence as the title — most likely because the majority who celebrate it probably forgot it was this week anyway.
But that’s what makes 4/20 so great — it’s the best of times that you will vaguely remember.
Every great holiday comes with traditions. Some celebrate Christmas with their families while unwrapping presents by a raging fire.
Some celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone they see as the most special person in the world with a nice dinner, a bottle of wine and some explicit content that cannot be described in this article for the sake of appropriateness.
Some celebrate the Fourth of July by getting intoxicated with their families and firing off a substantial amount of illegal fireworks, all while blasting “Free Bird” in their front yards until the Homeowners Association decides five years is one too many and finally gets the police involved. Or maybe that’s just my family.
Many festive customs are associated with 4/20, like the packing of the first bowl, the first Wu-tang during the session and the first episode of “Planet Earth.”
Then 10 minutes later, the first re-decision for what should be the first episode of “Planet Earth” because not everyone can agree if the “Caves” episode is better than the “Ice Worlds” episode.
And then another 13 minutes later, after losing two troopers to cannabis-induced slumbers, the rest of the group becomes terrifically hungry.
However, unlike Thanksgiving dinner, there is no mother in sight to prepare a warm, home-cooked meal while everyone else gathers around a TV and does absolutely nothing.
The three-week-old leftover pizza in the kitchen fridge incites some reasonable excitement amongst the group, but that would require getting up off of the couch and walking 20 feet to reheat the pizza for one minute.
Too much work, without a doubt. The group decides to settle for the last resort, takeout, but can’t decide which place to call. Everything seems so good in the moment, regardless of the fact that none of the places in mind use real meat.
But hold on, the smartest of the group who still has some functioning brain cells remembers that article on the Study Breaks website mentioning three fantastic food deals available on 4/20, and relates the following information to his friends.
1. The Dollar Menu at McDonald’s
Do not fret, stoners who may be reading this article. Thanks to Uber Eats, America’s most unhealthy pastime can now be delivered right to your home for a cheap, additional charge.
No longer will groups under the influence of THC have to decide who the least stoned person in the group is to make the risky, yet highly rewarding drive to the local McDonald’s.
(Disclaimer: The author or associated affiliates in no way, shape or form condone consuming illegal substances and then getting behind the wheel of a car. It is unlawful and extremely dangerous.)
McDonald’s has even upgraded their appeal with the addition of their “breakfast all day” menu; the possibilities are endless.
Although the dollar menu elicits the attention of the eye with the sweet thoughts of foods that each only cost a “dollar,” it is, nonetheless, dangerous territory on 4/20.
When one can’t choose between a six-pack of nuggets, a bacon cheeseburger, a McFlurry, a soft drink, fries, a bacon-egg-and-cheese McGriddle, chicken strips, a regular cheeseburger and so on, the rush of endorphins throughout the body may cause them to purchase one of everything.
What was supposed to be an option that would save a few dollars ultimately ends up being a waste of money. McDonald’s is always highly recommended, but with great buying power comes great responsibility.
2. The Pick-Two Combo at Panera Bread
This one is undoubtedly a long shot. Some may wonder how such a fine establishment could even be mentioned in the same breath with such a debaucherous holiday.
But there’s a reason every sorority girl on campus likes to settle in a cozy corner of this restaurant and then pretend to do work while actually scrolling through the latest fashion trends on Pinterest: the food is outstanding.
The Pick-Two Combo is by no means a money saver. In fact, if it took the last remaining change out of the bottom of the piggy bank to fund the narcotics necessary to celebrate 4/20, I recommend scrolling onto the next 4/20 food deal.
However, for the financially responsible individual, the soup-sandwich, sandwich-salad or salad-soup combos offer sophisticated, yet delicious options for the 4/20 munchies.
The music at Panera is also quite calming and makes for a nice waiting experience. For approximately just $9 plus tax and a 5 – 10-minute wait, no longer will those “boujee” stoners have to dwell amongst the Taco Bell goers who can’t decide which flavored Doritos Locos Taco they want.
Those people have far too simple palates to eat at Panera Bread.
3. The Doritos Locos Tacos Deal at Taco Bell
Do not fret, those with unsophisticated palates. All of those Taco Bell commercials that blatantly target stoners and drunk late-night crowds are showing food that is as appetizing as the real thing when stoned or drunk.
While it may not be anyone’s first choice of food when sober, it is a means for a heavenly feast on every 4/20 holiday. The cool ranch, the spicy nacho and the regular nacho supreme (if one orders it non-supreme, it is an insult to the Taco Bell establishment) tacos pack exciting bursts of flavor that shock the taste buds.
For a mere $5.67 plus tax, one can enjoy three of God’s greatest gifts to this Earth — as long as someone can remember how to get to the nearest Taco Bell.