A Friendly Message from a Woman to the Incel Community

There are more ways to feel great about yourself than having sex.
August 17, 2018
9 mins read

Hey, if you identify as an incel, please lend me a moment of your time. I am a woman. You probably hate me, but I don’t hate you. I just want to tell you that you’ve got to stop hating yourself.

You may think this is a loaded thing to say, especially coming from a woman. You wouldn’t hate yourself if women didn’t only have eyes for “Chads.” You don’t think it’s your fault that you hate yourself. It’s the women’s fault for ignoring you. It’s the Chads’ fault for taking all the women. It’s the their fault for taking “used-up sluts” who were never punished for not choosing nice guys like you. It’s genetics’ fault for not giving you better looks. It’s everyone else’s fault that you are so miserable.

You hate the world that imposed involuntary celibacy on you, but have you considered that the lack of sex is not the root of your misery?

Some of you might already realize that what you really want is validation. You want to feel like you matter, but think the only way to achieve this is to extract sex out of an attractive woman. You hate women for denying you sex because you interpret it as them telling you that you are nothing.

The truth is, however, that there is no need to take it so personally when you get rejected. Remember that every interpersonal interaction involves taking a risk. From applying for a job to asking for a date, one can only hope that the other person responds kindly.

But people have their own problems and circumstances, which means they don’t always respond in your favor. Rejection is not a grave injustice that is done to you, it’s just a normal part of life. Being rejected doesn’t mean that you are genetically pre-disposed to being incel or that all hope is lost.

The truth is, even if you broke out of the incel status by having sex with someone, you still might not feel validated. Because in your eyes women are less than human, therefore they are incapable of giving you the kind of recognition that only an equal can give.

It seems like you are stuck in a Catch-22. But maybe you can break out if it if you realize that first, sex is not the key to happiness and, second, women are worthy of your respect.

Even if you have sex with the beautiful virgin babe of your dreams, you might still feel unhappy. Many people have sex, but still feel miserable because they are not loved and accepted in other, equally important ways, by their partners. Profound and mutual validation can only occur in healthy intimate relationships, which are notoriously hard to build and maintain.

Attractive people can feel unattractive when having sex with partners who pick on their imperfections. They can still feel lonely when they can’t open up to their partners or get their partners to open up. Their self-esteem can be obliterated if their partners betray or abandon them.

Chads and Stacys don’t have it any better than you when it comes to maintaining a relationship. Relationships are hard for everyone, so it is not your personal failing if you have problems with them. Relationships are so hard because the people in it are flawed. It is not your fault that you have flaws. Everyone does. But when you don’t try to fix them, they get in the way of your relationship with others.

You can’t hold people accountable for noticing your flaws and treating you accordingly. I am not talking about your height, your muscle mass or your face. If you come off as an angry, hateful and insecure person, you can’t blame others for not liking you.

Why would women find you attractive when you make it so obvious that you not only hate them but yourself too? Why would anyone want to have a physical relationship with someone who looks down on them? What would you even get out of a relationship with someone you disdain?

Women don’t want to have sex with men who see sex as a means to shame and degrade women. Sex is not a zero-sum game in which the man extracts value out of a woman and adds it onto themselves so that the woman gets more and more “used up” while the man “ups his game.”

The most important thing to keep in mind is: women are not reducible to walking holes for men to penetrate for sexual pleasure, just like how men are not merely sticks for women’s pleasure. People exist outside of their sex organs. There are other facets of their personhood that exist, unrelated to the function of their genitals.

A fleshlight can be worn out and thrown away, a woman with consciousness and a life just as vividly lived as yours cannot be thrown away.

You wouldn’t appreciate it if your friend treats you like a coat hanger, and your only function to them is that they can put their coat in your hand whenever they feel like it. You don’t have a duty to carry their coat just because you have a body part meant for carrying things. To carry their coat is a choice on your part, not an entitlement on their part.

Similarly, women have vaginas that are meant for sex. But you are not entitled to use them to your own liking. You are not entitled to hear “yes,” and women’s rejections are not testimonials to how “evil” they are or how unattractive you are.

I am not going to pretend that appearance, race and wealth make no impact on your chances of getting laid. Unfortunately and realistically they do. But I am saying that they don’t impact your chances as much as your attitude does.

Maybe you can set aside “getting laid” as your goal for a second and just talk to people. You can start with a fellow incel. Talk about something other than being an incel or your own misery. Since you are online anyway, talk to more and more people about their lives and their experiences.

Maybe the more non-incel people you get to know and the more women you get to know, your perspective will change. The world is messed up as it is, don’t add on to it with more anger and prejudice.

Vanessa Chen, Franklin and Marshall College

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Vanessa Chen

Franklin and Marshall College
Creative Writing

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