It's probably best to steer clear of any contact with them for a while. (Image via Google)

Why You Might Still Hurt, Even Though You Dumped Them

It’s okay to mourn over your recent relationship ending. What’s not okay is getting back together when you’re the dumper just because you feel bad.

Thoughts x
It's probably best to steer clear of any contact with them for a while. (Image via Google)

It’s okay to mourn over your recent relationship ending. What’s not okay is getting back together when you’re the dumper just because you feel bad.

After countless nights of fighting and crying, you decide to pull the plug on your relationship. You tried your best to save the intimacy, perhaps cherish the good times, but you can no longer stand it, whether something your significant other frequently said or did.

You have attempted to talk about it with them, and initially, they might have understood — or so it seemed — and promised a solution. For the next few days, you do see changes, but after a while, you see the same behavior recurring.

Again, you confront your partner about the issue. As before, they apologize and give you their word that the problem will stop. Consequently, you may see changes that last a little longer — or shorter — but unfortunately, the cycle perpetuates itself.

You consistently reveal your most vulnerable side to them, waiting for reciprocation and respect, but they fall back on their original state and continue to hurt or irritate you. Nonetheless, you might decide to remain in the cycle out of love, hoping that things will get better and that time will heal all wounds.

However, misery loves company. You possibly arrive at the conclusion that your partner does not care about you as much as you care for them.  These thoughts spiral and soon, you feel disappointed and resigned.

Even though you saw progress in the relationship at times and experienced instances of happiness, you find yourself back at square one. Because of your partner’s inability to change and consider your needs, you decide to exit the stage.

On the other hand, maybe you dumped your significant other for a reason that may not have seemed trivial at first but actually could have been solved with communication. Nevertheless, regardless of the reason why you ended the relationship, you find yourself hurting or experiencing withdrawals and here are some reasons why.

You Still Care

Leaving the person for whom you have feelings — or love — is rarely easy. Furthermore, breaking up with your significant other does not signify that you no longer care about them; instead, you left because neither of you made each other happy anymore.

Thus, you both need to pursue your individual paths to happiness. You might feel guilty about the way you left them in anger, bitterness or pain, and possibly wish that you could at the least be friends, but you must resist the urge lest you fall back into an unhealthy relationship.

From time to time, you may wish to keep tabs on them, hoping that you didn’t hurt them that badly, but you know that checking up on them would only give them mixed messages or even the false hope of possibly getting back together. In the end, you need to learn how to live life without one another.

Endless Wonder

After dumping your partner, you may find yourself wondering, “What if I hadn’t ended the relationship? Where would we be now?” You ponder the what-ifs, questioning whether you truly have made the right choice.

As you start to second guess your decision, you recall the time when you were weighing the pros and cons of the relationship. You recall the fights and believe that you two could have easily solved the disputes, convincing yourself that the relationship could have lasted if you were more considerate or “less sensitive.”

However, as much as you still miss them, perhaps deep-down wishing to turn back the clock, your feelings are valid too; you tell yourself that the break up was the best for you and your significant other. The thought of making the wrong mistake floods your mind with the feeling of remorse, but the endless wondering is inevitable with every heartbreak.

At times you may wonder about their well-being and decide to check up on a few of their social media handles. Yet, you see a person or people who have taken your place, feeling perhaps slightly jealousy or upset. If so, you haven’t exactly moved on, lost in your own cycle of unfulfillment and regret.

Missing the Familiarity

You miss having a person with whom you could practically do everything and anything with. You recall that your partner-in-crime was one of the first people that you immediately went straight to, a primary part of your support network, whenever you had free time.

As you went to each other’s favorite restaurants and partook in wild adventures, they were also there for you when you were stressing or crying your eyes out. Maybe your lover was even the person who was there for you when no one else was, which has made it more difficult for you to let go. Not used to having someone new or being on your own, you may feel empty because being in a relationship is so safe and familiar.

To illustrate further, take it as you are eating your favorite entrée — for example, rice — along with a handful of your favorite side dishes. Your significant other is the entrée, while your favorite side dishes represent your friends and family.

In this case, you have made a conscious decision of taking the main course out, and now you find yourself eating without the rice that usually made you feel full, but the time without your partner-in-crime gives you the opportunity to enjoy and cherish the side dishes you once depreciated. Within time, you will learn to fill the void with other entrées.

Though I don’t mean to objectify the significant people in your life as food dishes, the bottom line is that you now have to navigate the world without romantic intimacy or someone who had once become your home.

Altogether, despite all of the reasons for your break up, you must steer clear of lingering thoughts and actions, unless you truly believe that your break up was a complete mistake. However, know that you are not alone in this struggle. It is not uncommon for people to agonize over a failed relationship. You put your faith in someone outside of family and friends, perhaps for the first time, and have been let down.

Whether pulling the plug on the relationship was a mistake or not, you must give yourself time to fully reflect and heal. This ending might just be the beginning of a new chapter in loving yourself and thus appreciating the people who have stayed by your side more than ever.

Writer Profile

Ellyot Chen

Pasadena City


Leave a Reply