Boyfriend 101
‘Yes you normally get Phish Food, but he should’ve known that it was a Half Baked type of week.’
By Gabriella Hernandez, Kansas State University
Your boyfriend is a cool guy and you are the best of friends.
He loves to be there for you 24/7 and he always makes you feel super special and pretty, because you are, duh. He even buys you Chipotle whenever you ask, which is only once or a few times a week. You know that your relationship is amazing and that you are #blessed.
The problem is that even the cute, smart guys can still be extremely inconsiderate and dumb. Maybe he wouldn’t cuddle with you that one summer night because it was “too warm in the room.”
Maybe he said he needed some space and wanted to hang out with his friends for the night. Why wouldn’t he want to hang out with you all the time? Honestly, that’s just weird.
Either way, he really hurt you and he obviously can’t get away with that. If you just let him off easy this one time, he will think that he can ignore your Snapchat of that Husky you saw at the park just because he was taking a shower.
As a strong independent woman, you need to teach him to respect you. Below is a guide for how to ruin your boyfriend’s life when he doesn’t do exactly what you expect.
1. He Wants a Night with the Guys
Annoy his friends. When they have guy night, invite yourself over and don’t bring any snacks. Drink their beer and ask a million questions about the KC Royals and what a World Series means.
Sleep over every single night and make as much noise as you can, especially in the mornings when his roommates are trying to sleep. They need to understand that you love to laugh and talk.
Eat all their ice cream and drink their milk. Show up at their house in the middle of the night super hammered. Knock over all their laptops and step on their controllers. Yell at your boyfriend for something he did two months ago and vomit in his toilet. Wake up his roommates and make sure they think you’re a tumor.
He’s yours and you don’t plan on sharing him with anyone. If his friends get annoyed with you, they will soon get annoyed with him as well and he will be all yours, forever.
2. He Didn’t Comment on Your Picture
Twist all his words because he obviously doesn’t appreciate and support you.
You posted a picture because you wanted at least 50 likes, but he didn’t even leave a heart. Next time he compliments you turn it into an insult, by insisting his compliments are always lies. Make everything about you. If he says his physics class is too hard, start crying and ask him if he thinks you’re too dumb to understand.
If he says he really likes Melissa McCarthy in The Boss, complain about how he never thinks you’re funny. He needs to watch what he says because sticks and stones break bones, but words hurt your heart.
If you bitch about everything he says then he’ll learn to think before he speaks. Maybe he won’t even speak his mind at all and that way he can just focus on telling you how amazing you are.
3. He Didn’t Text Back Immediately
Ignore him for a week.
Whatever you do, don’t acknowledge his existence. If he has the audacity to ignore your text for a few minutes because he was helping his grandma cook, then he doesn’t deserve your attention or time.
When he asks you what’s wrong, just walk away and don’t look back. He will learn that you need to be his number one priority and that you mean business when you send him a funny video.
4. A Girl Talked to Him
Stalk him. If he talked to that girl during class, he is in love with her. You need to make sure that he never has any contact with anyone of the opposite sex for as long as you live.
Go through his phone every time he leaves the room. Check his texts, DMs and photo gallery. Girls love to send selfies. If he takes his phone when he goes to the bathroom then he’s trying to hide something from you and you need to interrogate him.
Make sure he tells you everything about every single girl he talks to. When he says that they are just friends call him a liar and tell him you know all about his dirty secrets.
Don’t ever give him the benefit of the doubt because you obviously feel this way for a reason. Make sure you have all his passwords and that you check his social media on the daily just in case that slore posts anything about him. While you’re at it, stalk her too.
5. He Bought Phish Food Instead of Half Baked
Cry and whine for as long as it takes. He never listens to you. All you wanted was some Ben and Jerry’s because you’ve had a terrible week and he couldn’t even get that right. What’s the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn’t even read your mind?
Yes you normally get Phish Food, but he should’ve known that it was a Half Baked type of week.
Honestly, at this point you need to rethink your entire relationship. When a guy loves you, he cares about your feelings and knows exactly how you’re feeling. You need to be with someone who is always in sync with your emotions.
Breaking up is always an option, because some things just don’t have a solution and it’s better to walk away from a situation before it gets worse. There are a million fish in the sea and you need to pick the right one for you. One day, the best guy ever will walk into your life and he will always know how to cheer you up, because he gets you. Don’t settle for scrubs and keep searching for the one.
