How to Celebrate What Could Be the Last Earth Day Ever
Who knows how many we have left?
By Anne Ertle, John Carroll University
The globe is warming, the climate is changing, the plot is thickening: Whatever your terminology, Earth is going through a transitional phase reminiscent of any makeover montage in any Disney channel original movie.
Bill Nye, the one person who managed to make grade school science interesting (Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!) has confirmed it.
What more proof do you need? Wake up, sheeple, and smell the roses. No, seriously, appreciate the roses while you still can, before Earth dries up like it’s swaddled in a planetary Sham-Wow.
So yes, we’ve contributed to the Earth’s decline, and yes, our habits are setting a horrifying precedent for our children and our children’s children and so on.
We are monsters whose refusal to acknowledge our missteps and adjust our behavior accordingly has resulted in an environmental disaster unlike any we’ve seen in our lifetimes.
But here at Study Breaks, we’ve always chosen to look at the bright side of life, which we swear is the only reason we’ve buried our heads in the sand—to cool our burning retinas!
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, right? What else would you drink when gaping holes in the ozone have caused such swelteringly hot weather? Leonardo DiCaprio can only do so much.
Just follow my tips for taking advantage of this disaster, and you might just might end up agreeing with R.E.M. It may be the end of the world as we know it, but you feel fine. Or, fine-ish. Because, you know, the guilt and the flames.
1. Pools of Knowledge Water
If you can be willfully ignorant of everyone peeing in the water around you, pools are a great time. Hit up your local rec center and soak up the sun, but be warned: You might need some kind of community pass to enter.
If anyone gives you trouble about coming in sans the necessary ID, remind them of your potential strengths as an ally when the world devolves into gang warfare as the search for resources intensifies. Like Mad Max: Fury Road, kind of!
Side note: You would look so good with black grease smeared on your forehead. Imperator Furiosa chic.
2. Heat Flash Fashion
The best parts of summer are the lack of school and the resurgence of those popsicles that come as plastic tubes of juice that you just throw in the freezer. In third place, though, is the fashion.
Summer fashion is easy and requires as little effort as it does fabric. Picture a world where this kind of dressing is possible all year round (people of California and the South, please use your imaginations).
When it comes to shorts, there are almost too many choices: high-waisted, running, jort, etc. But please, you guys, no cargo shorts. I know, the pockets are great for storing trinkets (or snacks? I actually don’t know), but you look like the dad from The Wild Thornberrys.
So beside this obvious exception, have fun with it.
Girls can break out the crop tops if they want. If nothing else, don them in homage to the failing crops. Political statements are always in style!
3. Sea: The World
Venice is sinking, which is awful. Let’s all agree, though, that if a beautiful center for art and commerce has to be slowly overtaken by water, at least it’s the one where most of the city is already navigated by boat.
My point is, let’s all see the world before the world becomes a sea.
There’s no better time to travel than right now, because of economic markets and stuff (right?).
The Sphinx in Egypt is already crumbling (we all remember the scene in Aladdin), and that’s not even factoring in the unpredictable weather. Go see that cat/woman hybrid while you can!
4. Bonus: Weathering Cold Weather
That older relative who’s always posting racist articles on Facebook might be quick to point out the flaws in global warming. “If the Earth was so warm,” he’ll checkmate you, “why was Winter Storm Jonas so disastrous?”
First of all, save that family member future embarrassment and tell them The Onion is satirical. Once that’s established, let them know that climate change affects regions differently.
If you’re in one of those places hit with a cold front, just stay inside. Take a page from the bears and hibernate. Au natural.
If there are any plans you want to bail on, just blame the weather. If your “friends” press you further, claim to be cold-blooded like a snake and then slither out of the conversation. Put your phone on airplane mode. You have HBOGo to watch. Your cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s password ain’t gonna use itself!
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