Real talk: Dining halls can be depressing places at times. Sure, you have the illusion of a lot of choices, but the food is almost universally bad and the dishes are never quite clean — so you always leave slightly unsatisfied.
There’s one part of the dining hall you can always count on, though, day in and day out: the cereal station. When you’re sick of eating grilled cheese for the 80th time this month, or when you’ve decided that the off-putting smell drifting over to you from the soup pot is a bridge too far, cereal is always there for you.
Should you be eating cereal for every meal? Probably not, but adulting is hard sometimes, and with finals around the corner, sometimes you just need something quick, satisfying and eternally comforting.
Sugar cereal will always be that shoulder to cry on: It is the ultimate comfort food. It is as versatile as it is delicious — whatever the occasion, sugar cereal will make it better. As evidence, I present this brief list of situations drastically improved by sugar cereal.
When you want to treat yo’ self:
The invention of Cookie Crisp marks the exact point at which cereal companies stopped playing games. No more pretending to be healthy or offering even the semblance of nutrition: just a big-ass bowl of tiny-ass cookies. I don’t know much, but I do know that it is now socially acceptable to eat cookies for breakfast — and if that’s not beautiful, I don’t know what is.
After a bad break-up:
Cocoa Puffs, in chocolate milk. Pure, unadulterated decadence, which you deserve as just as much as your ex doesn’t deserve you. Bonus: the extra-chocolately milk left over after you’ve finished the cereal.
When you need an ego deflation:
Nothing reminds you of your own fragility like the tiny little cuts on the roof of your mouth made by those inexplicably razor-sharp shards of Cap’n Crunch. Is it a breakfast food? Is it a stealth weapon? Who cares, you tell yourself, as long as it’s sugary and delicious — at which point, you start to feel it tear into your gums. Instant regrets! Somehow, still worth it.
Midnight cereal runs for when that paper is driving you crazy:
Froot Loops are ideal for a late-night dining hall snack, when you need to get out of your head for a moment. Forget about school for five blissful, sugar-frosted minutes as you’re transported back to being 5 years old, with no regrets or worries. The sugary leftover milk will give you that extra jolt of energy, refreshing you, so you’ll be more than ready when it’s time to get back to writing that paper.
When you’re feeling particularly nostalgic and vulnerable:
You know how Trix used to be shaped like little flowers, and how now it’s these weird little puff balls — when did that happen, and why? Sure, on a logical level, we all know that everything changes. Sometimes that’s good, and other times that bad — but sometimes it’s not really either, and yet it’s still vaguely off-putting enough to disorient you for the rest of the day.
Trix will force you to reconsider the real questions, like: Is it Berenstain or Berenstein? What do you mean, the Monopoly man doesn’t have a monocle? Truly, worldview-shifting stuff.
With finals approaching though, you need something extra: something powerful enough to give you that extra push, yet familiar enough that it gives you the comfort you need in this trying time.
For this, I present to you the pinnacle of dining hall sundaes, combining the powers of objectively the greatest of sugar cereals, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Cocoa Krispies, and an ice cream of your choice. Enjoy.
Recipe: The Legends Only Sundae
Breakfast of champions, lunch of winners, dinner of heroes. Not a bad snack, either.
Ice cream of your choice — I recommend something basic like vanilla or chocolate, so it doesn’t overpower the other flavors
1 handful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
2 handfuls of Cocoa Krispies (or comparable chocolate cereal)
Chocolate syrup, to taste — because clearly there is not enough sugar yet
1. Locate the cleanest bowl you can find.
2. Pray that the soft-serve machine is working for once. Then pray harder, because you’re gonna need a damn miracle.
3. Assuming an ice cream miracle has occurred, place about a scoop of ice cream in the bowl, then dump the cereal on top. Mix.
4. Dump the desired amount of chocolate syrup on top. This is an exercise in self-honesty.
5. Enjoy! Then, go forth and conquer finals.