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A haunted typewriter? ‘The X-Files’ has been there and done that.

After my exciting escapade traveling through time with “Dark,” Netflix presented me “Typewriter.” It seemed like an opportunity to try Bollywood’s new take on horror. Do not be fooled. “Typewriter” essentially desecrated my mind, my culture and my eyes. Of the five-hour series, I wish I could get back the two hours I wasted, but I am glad I did not waste my remaining three. One big problem with “Typewriter”? It is a complete rip-off from an episode of “The X-Files” and “Haunting of Hill House.”  

It also does not help the fact that all the characters, who are born and raised in India, have Catholic names. Sure, there isn’t a problem with giving kids in India Catholic names, but when the characters come out of the closet with names like Peter and Jenny Fernandes, well, can you even call it an Indian show? 

Returning to the problem at hand with the show, let’s discuss the mundane plot. A haunted house and an old book stir the imaginations of young wannabe ghost hunters, but when a new family moves to town, the home’s buried secrets resurface. Horror shows do not have to be incredibly complex, but they absolutely should not be overly simple. Horror should make you think — not stare at a TV accurately predicting the next obvious victim.  

At least “Haunting of Hill House” had some character/plot development. It seems as if the writers for “Typewriter” were trying to aim for the cookie-cutter writing we see today in America.

“Haunting of Hill House” is not a personal favorite of mine, but I understand why other people like it. Put simply, “Haunting of Hill House” is part of today’s generation of horror, and that is what I believe “Typewriter” is trying to be: something for the horror generation of today.

Furthermore, the acting, which I must talk about, was a complete abomination. Not that the acting matters in the long run because “Typewriter” is overall repulsive, but here’s a look in on the poor job by directors and writers for the main character, Jenny Fernandes. Actress Palomi Ghosh presents two Mrs. Fernandes in the show: one being the actual mom, and the other a duplicate, who is actually a ghost murderer. Mrs. Fernandes tries to get to the bottom of the haunted house mystery, all the while keeping up her “ghosts don’t exist” ruse. 

In addition to the poorly-written Mrs. Fernandes, the kids in the show are extremely annoying. Fortunately, they have proper names. Throughout the first two episodes, the kid ghostbusters get their hands mixed up in things that were better left alone. One thing I hate more than anything in television shows and movies are characters that know better than to get caught up in things that will most definitely get them killed.

I needn’t finish the remainder of the show to find out what happens to the young ghost busting trio because, one, I couldn’t care less after the first five minutes and, two, the show is disgusting. Thinking about “Typewriter” now makes me want to vomit bile.  

Another big reason as to why you shouldn’t waste time with the show is that it insults “The X-Files.” Season 6, Episode 18, “Milagro,” shows a case where everything happens as the author dictates on his typewriter. Though not following the exact outcome of Bollywood’s disgrace, “Milagro” still centers around a haunted typewriter. “Typewriter” also centers around a haunted typewriter, which inevitably results in death to anyone who uses it.  

I find it hard to believe that Bollywood could genuinely create such a disgrace, but alas, it has finally happened. Don’t be mistaken, though, because I love Bollywood and everything it stands for. However, I am at a loss for words at their attempt to replicate horror. Bollywood horror and the world’s perspective of horror are two different things. For starters, the world’s perception of horror, whether its origins are Basque, German, Russian, American or Japanese, is genuinely scary. Bollywood horror usually ends up looking like Kanchana 2.” 

Honestly. Can you even take this seriously? Bollywood is known for its vibrancy, but to apply vibrant colors to horror seems more like a horror musical. Thinking about a horror musical gives me the chills. 

I appreciate the steps the directors, writers and producers are attempting to make with creating a show that should appeal to a mass audience, but frankly, I strongly believe Bollywood is best suited to sticking what they know best: love, drama, social prejudice, caste systems, patriarchy, amazing food, song, dance, extreme expectations of the youth, betrayal and manipulation.  

Despite what I just said, I love Bollywood for taking its first steps in portraying realism in India, and I full-heartedly encourage others to be aware of the social injustice, but without India’s bad qualities, we wouldn’t be where we are today when it comes to Bollywood.  

“Typewriter” has five episodes and is rumored to have a second season. I believe the show is a complete waste of time and should be destroyed from the face of the planet. No one should ever watch this show. The incredible simplicity of the plot only accentuates the lackluster character development, superb predictability, poor plot development and cookie-cutter horror. 

If you are looking for a horror show where your mind can go blank, have no interest in being scared or need something to feel mad about, then this is the perfect show for you. Who knows, you might get past me in the two episodes I tried so hard to conquer.  

However, if you are not persuaded by my awesome review and still feel the need to watch this disgrace, you will see for yourself. Since I am a nice person, I will give you some tips on how to get through the show: coloring and drinking your preference of poison. Enjoy.  

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