I hear drums on the horizon. Supplies are being rationed. Brothers turning against brothers, sisters against sisters. No one is safe. The Second Civil War is upon us.
That is, according to Alex Jones and only Alex Jones. On July 1, Jones tweeted that the Fourth of July would bring destruction like no one has ever seen before… because “Democrats Plan to Launch Civil War On July 4th.” Of course.
https://twitter.com/RealAlexJones/status/1013566507052175360
Jones, a radio host and the creator of inforwars.com, is known for his conspiracy theories. His outlandish propositions run the gamut from claiming 9/11 was an inside job to launching the pizzagate scandal.
His theories, such as pizzagate, sometimes culminate in terrible real-world consequences; the Second Civil War, however, had no such dire effect.
Instead, Twitter liberals jumped on the theory, co-opted the hashtags #SecondCivilWar and #SecondCivilWarLetters and ran with it until the smoke cleared, and the flag was still there.
Second Civil War is now a meme worth fighting a war for, and I have the tweets to prove it.
The first shot was fired by @amandablount2, who penned quite a moving note to her sweetheart:
My Dear John,
The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Blount 🇺🇸🌻 (@amandablount2) July 2, 2018
And with that opening battle cry, The Second Civil war, a war which has never been seen before (and shall likely never be seen again), commenced.
@CIAspygirl was wounded on the front lines but lived to tell the tale:
My Dearest,
Sad news from the front. Food’s sparse & troops are forced to share avocado toast. Sadly, I’ve been wounded. I drank real milk in my latte instead of soy & have been afflicted with Lactose Intolerosis. I will persevere.In love & resistance-#SecondCivilWarletters
— 🌻 Emily Brandwin 🌻 (@CIAspygirl) July 4, 2018
@Tschudi_Davai unleashed holy hell on the MAGA enemies:
My love,
I'm unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC.#secondcivilwarletters— Evan ⚒️ @justevan.bsky.social (@Tschudi_Davai) July 3, 2018
Once @maybeprobablyme arrived at the front lines, they realized war is nothing like how it looks in the video games:
Dearest Xbox,
War is not what Call Of Duty prepared me for.
Generals Eric and Jr. tell us we must hold the Hobby Lobby parking lot, but the Libs have posted signs saying "free beer this way." No one returns from the free beer.
My resolve is weakening.
— Ryan (@maybeprobablyme) July 3, 2018
Even Colonel Morris Davis, the former chief of Guantanamo prison, resumed his military position:
Dear Alexa,
We are pinned down and in urgent need of ammunition. Please send ASAP … but only if it qualifies for Amazon Prime’s free shipping.
Regards,
— Moe Davis (U.S. Air Force, Retired) (@ColMorrisDavis) July 4, 2018
Both sides held their own, and I’m happy to report that the Second Civil War had only one casualty: Alex Jones’ pride.
