"The Bachelor" is changing into a Try Not to Yawn challenge. (Image via Sports Illustrated)
Thoughts x
"The Bachelor" is changing into a Try Not to Yawn challenge. (Image via Sports Illustrated)

If Colton Underwood were a superhero, he’d be Super Yawn.

Colton Underwood will be remembered for many things, including his dramatic virginity, his dramatic past as an NFL player, his dramatic on-again-off-again relationship with fellow “Bachelor Nation” contestant Tia Booth … and for being perhaps the least-anticipated bachelor in history.

ABC announced on “Good Morning America” that the 26-year-old would be the next star in the “Bachelor” franchise when “The Bachelor” airs this January.

“It was his good looks, love for dogs and vulnerability that charmed not only Bachelorette Becca Kufrin, but all of Bachelor Nation,” ABC said in a news release. “After a summer of growth and a new perspective on what he is looking for, Colton is more than ready for this next chapter.”

I’m upset about this, and I know I’m not the only one.

Sure, Colton is tall, handsome and started a charity for people with cystic fibrosis, but he’s boring. Being boring goes against the goals of a show that literally feeds off of drama, but somehow Colton manages to be both exceptionally involved in emotional turmoil and exceptionally dull. I don’t know how he manages it.

What’s really frustrating is that ABC had so many promising options. There were a few standout guys from the last season of “The Bachelorette” that would have killed “The Bachelor”‘s recent streak of tedious bachelors and bachelorettes. I’m talking Wills, Blake or Jason — all worthy choices that had tremendous fan backing.

Instead, viewers are stuck with an emotionally (and sexually) immature young man whose season will surely cause the franchise to lose some long-devoted fans.

“Even if we’re being generous and calling Colton’s brief time with Becca and Tia ‘relationships,’ we’re still dealing with an anxious, 26-year-old virgin whose dating history does not indicate he’s ready to put a ring on it,” said Kristen Baldwin, an Entertainment Weekly TV critic. “What about that says ‘perfect Bachelor material’ to anyone?”

If you’re questioning ABC’s decision hard right now, and, by proxy, questioning your own reality, or if you just need to feel like you’re not alone in this time of turmoil, join me as I turn to Twitter for the tea.

@failedlocal perfectly summed up Colton’s indecision and relationship anxiety with their tweet

Like I said, he’s BORING, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Add Jason and Blake to this list, and this tweet is golden.

If you happen to be the one girl who doesn’t find Colton emotionally unavailable and slightly dead behind the eyes, then hurry over and sign up for next year’s season of “The Bachelor.” It’s sure to (not) be a doozy.

Writer Profile

Cameron Andersen

New York University
Cultural Anthropology and Gender & Sexuality

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