After attempting and miserably failing to incorporate a campaign song last month in Florida, one thing became clear: Donald Trump’s playlist is in dire need of assistance. First, he was shut down by Neil Young. Then, his “Official Donald Trump Jam” (see the first link) sounded more like a bad translation of Chinese poetry than it did good ole-fashioned American propaganda.
One of the main strategies of the Donald Trump campaign is to capitalize on American exceptionalism. However, any good patriot knows that nationalism isn’t a buffet. You can’t load up on economic and militaristic strength and skip the bloated health care system—in other words, if you’re going to go full Neo-Nazi, you’d better learn to have an excessive amount of love for all of your country, not just certain parts.
Considering Donny Trumpet’s nationalist lacunae, I worry that the Lion of Atlantic City might be missing a golden opportunity to cash in on the music-lovers of our nation. Every vote counts, and music fans make up an important part of the body politic in 2016. So, as a favor to Mr. Trump, I have assembled a collection of classic American songs that the Trump Foundation ought to consider for the presidential-hopeful’s official campaign song.
1. “This Is A Great Country” by Bing Crosby
“Go look in your history book and you’ll see why we should be proud.” This is the first and most probable selection out of every song on this list.
It’s obscure, so people might be more excited to hear a song they hadn’t heard before, and more importantly, it employs Donald Trump’s favorite word: great. The only problem with this the Crosby classic is that it takes a little while to heat up, so we may have to do some audio clipping to cut out the low-energy stuff.
2. “You Must Come In At The Door” (Traditional)
I’m almost 100 percent sure you haven’t heard of this number, so hear me out, because “You Must Come in at the Door” needs to be Trump’s official campaign song.
With lyrics like, “It’s so low you can’t get under it/so high you’ll never climb over it/so wide you’ll never get around it/you must come in at the door,” if voters weren’t already convinced of the need for a Great Wall of America, this song could be the final element of persuasion. And of course, the Great Wall of America will have a big, beautiful door.
Plus, even if the ballad doesn’t become his official campaign song, he should at least stick the chorus in the background of an anti-immigration ad.
3. “I Pity The Poor Immigrant” by Bob Dylan
Dylan’s empathetic ditty is perfect for Mr. Trump, as recent polls have suggested that perhaps he is dealing with the immigration issue too harshly. “I Pity the Poor Immigrant” would be the perfect cool-down song for Donny T, because it manages to demonstrate sympathy for immigrants without necessarily guaranteeing that the immigrants will be granted their inalienable rights. It’s a win-win for the Trump Bucket.
4. “What A Friend We Have In Congress” by Pete Seeger
Although Pete Seeger’s original version was intended to parody “What A Friend We Have In Jesus,” its literal meaning could actually be true with The Donald. “What a friend we have in congress/Who will guard our every shore/Spend three quarters of our taxes/Getting ready for the war.” Most people generally laugh at an assertion like this, but to Trump, all he hears are his political platforms put to beautiful, beautiful song.
5. “Donald Trump” by Mac Miller
Critics will have you believing that this song isn’t actually about Donald Trump, but look here: “We gon take over the world while the haters gettin mad.” How did Mac Miller know five years ago that Donald Trump was going to try to take over the world?
It’s the perfect song for the alt-right political movement, because it suggests that not only do we have way more money than everybody, but also that we as a nation are really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
Once upon a time, Knowledge Was Power. As one could reasonably intuit from Mr. Miller’s song and Donald Trump’s inexplicable political success, nowadays, Money and Good Looks (two things with which America is overflowing) are power. Miller’s single may not be a “traditional” American song like some of the others on this list, but let’s face it: Any song with Donald Trump in the title is an instant classic.
6. “Straight Down The Middle” by Bing Crosby
Though Crosby’s classic is actually about golfing (“It went straight down the middle/Where it wound up is a riddle”), it could just as easily be a surreptitious description of the direction of Trump’s political campaign.
7. “I’m Working On A Building” by Bill Monroe and the Bluegrass Boys
Why am I not on Donald Trump’s campaign team? “I’m Working On A Building” accomplishes two things: It 1) Reminds us of Trump’s proficiency as a builder (though he hardly needs any additional help doing that), and 2) Invokes nationalism, because the bluegrass.
8. “Money Honey” by Elvis Presley
Presley’s classic pop song is technically called “Money Honey,” but I think we can just reasonably rename it to “Donald Trump” a la Mac Miller, because more people would get the message that way.
Also, it has the potential to serve as a sly hint that it’s time we get Trump’s face on the thousand-dollar bill. Even if he isn’t elected. “Money, honey, if you want to get along with me” seems to be the appeal of both his life and his political acumen.
9. “It’s All Going to Pot” by Merle Haggard/Willie Nelson
Either Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump could use this one. Something about the entire Donald Trump campaign screams outlaw country, and while Willie Nelson might have been singing about a different kind of pot, the song’s actually not about marijuana and could easily be turned into a rallying cry of political discontent.
10. “Move It On Over” by Hank Williams
You could argue that Williams’ song could be used for every campaign in every election ever, but right now it’s Trump’s time to cash in. If he’s concerned about this version’s low energy, there’s a great George Thorogood & The Destroyers version. Thorogood is a real winner.
11. “Still Raisin’ Hell” by Ted Nugent
Speaking of winners, how familiar are you with Ted Nugent? Have you seen his Facebook posts? The Trump is strong with this one, both from political and energetic standpoints. Like Trump, Ted Nugent does not lose, except for when he occasionally does.
Lastly, a song that should absolutely not be used under any circumstances.
12. “This Land Is Your Land” by Woody Guthrie
The problem here is that while the song does support the idea of American excellence, it does so with far too much rationality and good-will. Plus, way too low energy. What, do you think he’s a loser? Donald Trump is not a loser.