Reductress is the main source of my procrastination. When I sit down to write an essay for a class, I have to practice immense self-control to not open a new tab and browse Reductress headlines. All too often I fail, usually resulting in me laughing uncontrollably while attempting to read a hilarious article to my roommate. It doesn’t take much longer before she hops on Reductress too, and we giggle at articles together instead of writing our papers. It’s become somewhat of a tradition.
If you’ve never heard of Reductress before, I am happy to be the one to introduce this wonderful site to you. Created in 2013 by two female comedians, Reductress is a satire website that features creatively comical headlines alongside iconic stock photos aimed at women. The actual articles are pretty funny too, if you end up reading them, but the headlines on their own are enough to get the picture. At least once a day I have a friend tagging me in their Facebook posts displaying their popular headlines. After you check out Reductress, (which you should totally do right now), you’ll probably find yourself sending some articles to your friends too because of their relatability and hilarity.
So, without further ado, here are my 10 favorite articles that I can always come back to for a much-needed laugh.
10. An Attack on Bangs That Epitomizes the Inevitable Bad-Hair-Choice Experience
We have all made a risky hair decision at some point in life. Even though it is easy to look back with nostalgia on that “fun, quirky” cut, you also must remember how much pain it caused you. I remember two years ago when I took the plunge to have front bangs. It was fun for a day until I woke up and they were sticking straight out from my forehead.
If you escape the panic of having gravity-defying bangs when you wake up already late, the alternative is peeling off your sweaty bangs that are now greasy from the night’s sleep. Remember, these are your only two options when bangs seem tempting again. Stay strong.
9. The Sad Excuses That Prove How Blind Love Can Be
It’s almost too easy to make excuses for a partner when the relationship turns sour. In a previous relationship, I found myself doing this so often, that after a while I legitimately ran out of excuses and just admitted to everyone that he sucks.
The highlight of this article for me is the first excuse, “He’s just distant because his fantasy team is ‘sucking ass.’” Sometimes I wonder if Reductress gets inspiration for these articles from my own life. Are you spying on me, Reductress writers?
8. A Play On the Cheesy Hallmark Movies That You Know You’ve Given into at Least Once
I had to include a holiday-themed article to celebrate the season. Reductress, master of parody, pokes fun at those cheesy Hallmark movies that many of us have indulged in secretly at one point in life. No judgment if you still do, but I am so thankful that the guilty pleasure experienced its peak in middle school for me.
Now I’m grateful I can swap out those painfully unrealistic movies with Reductress articles instead.
7. A Very Relatable Article for Sufferers of Anxiety
As someone who relies on public transport, this article really got to me. Last week, during a particularly bad bout of anxiety on the bus, I began disguising my shakiness and undoubtedly concerning breathing patterns as being really into the music I was listening to.
If you find yourself building a panic on public transport, this Reductress article should offer you a great solution to make onlookers think you are just impatient, like “filing through some papers frantically” or “stare up at the ceiling and tap your toe.”
6. An Article For Fellow Beer-Haters Like Myself
It’s nothing personal, but I will never be able to fully trust someone who genuinely enjoys the taste of beer. I have been fooled way too may times by the entrancing descriptions of craft beers. It does not matter if it has a “hint of warm apple” or “was kissed by the gods”; it still tastes like beer, which is bad.
5. One for All You That Have Trouble Playing It Cool After a Spectacular Date
It can be difficult to not get completely carried away after a good first date, and Reductress captures this perfectly in this article.
They offer great advice such as the all-important “don’t stare” and “act like he’s just another random person and not the guy who will eventually teach your child right from wrong and also baseball.”
4. If Your Throw Pillows Actually Just Get Thrown Around
My roommate and I just swapped out our regular blue and green throw pillows with Christmas-themed ones. Unfortunately, they spend a lot of time on the floor or tossed onto another piece of furniture.
Throw pillows are very cute additions to a home but are a huge pain. It just makes me sad that our pillow with a smiling snowman on it lives facedown on our carpet.
3. The Perfect Advice for Countering Offensive Catcalls
I don’t know if it is the absurd title or the ridiculous stock photo, but this article remains one of my very favorites.
And the best snippet? “Catcallers are motivated in part by their desire to exert control over women by making them uncomfortable. However, if you reek of desperation like a vaguely British ragamuffin eager to find a forever home, these men will keep their distance.”
2. The Real Reason Why It’s a Scary Time for Men in America
You’ve definitely heard the phrase “It’s a scary time for men in America” in the media with the rise of the #Me Too movement. But did you know it’s actually a scary time because this editor of Reductress is taking out men one by one in a clown suit?
Don’t let people think it is because men are suddenly scared of being falsely accused of sexual assault even though women have been scared of actually being assaulted since the beginning of time. When Liam Neeson proclaimed the movement as a witchhunt, he actually meant to say he was being hunted by this clown, who, if you have forgotten, is taking out men one by one.
1. Everyone’s Got “That One” Ex
My roommate and I reference this article and headline frequently, as this exact situation has happened to both of us. Through the release of this article, we both realized just how common this peculiar phenomenon is and it was almost therapeutic to be able to poke fun at it.
We reminisced about the time her ex asked for coffee to “catch up” after telling her off over Instagram messages and the time that my ex sent me five paragraphs about how awful he thought I was and followed up an hour later asking me to get coffee and “talk things over.” What is it about coffee and catching up to men that claimed to hate you not too long ago? It is truly fascinating, and the perfect example of Reductress being scarily spot-on, as is their brand.