Why Won't You Date Me
Byers entertains her audience by detailing what dating is like as a famous female comedian. (Illustration by Natashna Anderson, School of the Art Institute of Chicago)

Nicole Byer’s ‘Why Won’t You Date Me?’ Asks the Tough, Irreverent Questions

The ‘Nailed It!’ star and her ‘dick-list’ are the perfect podcast to contextualize your romantic woes.

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Why Won't You Date Me

The ‘Nailed It!’ star and her ‘dick-list’ are the perfect podcast to contextualize your romantic woes.

If you ever feel bad about your dating life, know this: The host of the hilariously sexy podcast, “Why Won’t You Date Me?,” Nicole Byer, has been deemed by Match.com as one of the 2 percent of the app’s user base that it considers unmatchable. So, to deal, Byer talks dicks, love, politics, online dating, dicks, Guy Fieri and more dicks. The podcast is a reassuring pat on the back that celebrities are not perfect and neither are their love lives. It’s a real treat.

Though best known for her television presence on MTV’s “Girl Code,” Byer is also quite the Netflix star, as she currently hosts Netflix’s dessert disaster, “Nailed It!,” appears as a guest character on the new adult animation “Tuca & Bertie” and starred in her own, hour-long special as part of the “Comedians of the World.” Additionally, she tours her stand-up comedy all over the country. In other words, Byer is anything but boring.

She also knows she’s a big woman. It’s no secret, and although part of her comedy is based around her size, she advocates for the revisioning of plus-sized women. Catch her on Instagram in her favorite bikini or doing the splits at one of her pole dancing classes. Byer embraces her differences and makes them inspiring.

No stranger to the dating app scene, the Netflix star has tried everything: Match.com, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, eHarmony, Tinder, Hinge, OkCupid and Raya (finally). In 2019, love is hard to find but regrettable hookups are not. Not only was Byer told she was unmatchable by Match.com, but she was waitlisted for two years on Raya, which is a highly exclusive dating site for celebrities full of Instagram models and Australian DJs.

The 32-year-old comedian might not be madly in love after using these apps, but she hasn’t left them empty handed. Byer keeps a “dick-list,” a Word document to be exact, of every hookup she’s ever had. As a film critic reviews movies, Byer reviews dicks.

Although Byer admits she doesn’t have as many compared to men in comedy, she has to deal with “chuckle f—kers,” whom she particularly loathes. A chuckle f—ker is someone who goes to a comedy event, such as an improv or stand-up show, and tries to sleep with the headlining comedian, something like a groupie but more annoying.

Since the podcast’s start in December 2017, it has become a favorite in the podcast world. Byer interviews some big-name guests throughout, such as Jameela Jamil, the body-positive feminist with an incredible Instagram following, and “Drag Race”’s very own Trixie Mattel.

Being a celebrity can be hard on the love life though. Traveling and long hours, amongst other challenges, make it difficult for celebrities to feel normal. For instance, Byer faces a problem most bachelorettes don’t, which is that many of her dating matches are actually just resourceful fans looking for a way to meet her. On her podcast, she recounts a number of stories that involve her going on a date only to find that her potential beau is no paramour, but in fact a fan trying to weasel out a selfie.

In addition to these Trojan Horse fans, Byer also discusses her issues with hecklers. In Episode 75, she recounts a time she lost her cool with some fans who, at a show of hers, failed to demonstrate even a basic level of respect. When they yell “Nailed it!” in the middle of her set, Byer launches into a faux-upset bit where she pretends to take umbrage that she is only being recognized for her role on the Netflix series, and not for her degree from the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York.

To cope with the stresses of reputation, Byer espouses a number of daily life maxims that help her, and she thinks will help listeners too. First, therapy: she swears by it (Episode 40), and owes so much to her therapist, Mary. The podcast host lost her parents when she was young and believes this tragedy might be the root of her perpetual singleness.

Some of her maxims are less discreet: Byer wants you to cum, everyday. In a bonus episode between Episodes 70 and 71, Byer expounds on the importance of masturbation, talks masturbation with food (Episode 20) and everything in between.

So, why won’t anyone date her? Is it her big personality, her penchant to say exactly what is on her mind, her dark humor or her itinerant lifestyle? Whatever the reason may be, the “Why Won’t You Date Me?” host is just trying to figure it out, like everyone else. Celebrities are people too.

Love is confusing, but you don’t have to be confused alone. “Why Won’t You Date Me?” is the perfect podcast for the curious and the confident. Whether you’re commuting to work, looking for a little scandalous chit-chat or just want to laugh out loud, this podcast has it all. The show is produced by HeadGum and is free to access on Apple Podcasts, PodcastOne, Spotify and many other listening mediums. Follow her on Instagram and check out some of her upcoming tour dates.

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