I’m positive that if Pinterest were a person she would be a snob.
She’d be the kind of snob that wouldn’t ask for a slice of lemon with her water, but tip her waiter 5 percent because there wasn’t a slice of lemon with her water. She would turn her nose up at anything that wasn’t boutique, and she would put organic groceries in the cart even though you two were splitting it.
At first her friends were cowed by her DIY savagery and unbeatable no-bake Oreo crumbles, but it wouldn’t be long before they started talking behind her back.
Pinterest was so fresh and innovative when it first hit the social media scene, but seven years of ruthless self-promotion and exposed brick asbestos have made her cold hearted and light headed.
She might seem sweet, but here are six ways Pinterest has ruined my life.
Pinterest Pin-up Girl
Aside from ruining my house with all the other DIY masochism that Pinterest has suggested, the social media site has also thrown a few body blows to my self-esteem.
As if ruining my house wasn’t enough, now I can’t scroll through the pin board without seeing a million healthy recipes and workout routines.
Every time I see a new way to sneak zucchini past my sweet tooth I’m reminded that I could be eating healthy and doing what are apparently very simple ab and butt workouts.
God, Pinterest, get off my back! Shat if I happen to like the squishy parts of my body? And no thank you, I will never in a million years stop eating unhealthy. Contrary to popular belief, gluten isn’t an anagram for Satan.
When I first tried to become part of Pinterest, I had to request an invite. How rude is that? A social media site that’s too cool for you. That’s basically hipster before hipster was hipster.
Though the process has changed to simply creating an account, I still remember that feeling of being exiled. Don’t let their newer, more inclusive approach to membership fool you. Pinterest is an asshole.
That Could be in a Mason Jar
The “put literally everything in unmarked mason jars and weird containers” trend has been the most detrimental to my mental health.
My mom hopped on that bandwagon years ago by putting all our baking necessities in unmarked containers. Then she put all containers on the same shelf in the pantry.
To the untrained eye, powdered sugar is the same thing as baking powder (so is our cocaine, but my mom keeps that jar for herself). Long story short, I put baking powder on my French toast, and it made me choke. Thanks for ruining my breakfast, Pinterest.
Crayon the King of Art
When crayon art became a big thing I thought I’d take a go at it, so I bought a pack of fresh Crayolas and glued them to a canvas in the shape of a heart.
I turned on the blow dryer and melted those babies until there was hot wax all over the place, but I’m not exaggerating when I say all over the place.
It was on the floor, the table, in my hair and all over my skin. Thank you for all the burns, Pinterest.
Face Your Flaws
I’m fully aware an angel didn’t hand-primp my eyebrows, but Pinterest’s deluge of step-by-step guides for improving your face have only made me notice the flaws in my features more.
Whether it’s drawing on eyebrows, over-lining lips to make them look bigger or contouring your features to transform your bone structure, most of the time the average woman is terrible at it. Instead, the guides leave you with massive eyebrows that terrify young children.
Though Pinterest has craft and cooking ideas that the average person can’t accomplish without risking personal injury, they do have some pretty good toothpaste, deodorant, soap and wax recipes.
The only issue is that all those things already exist.
I’d way rather brush my teeth with normal toothpaste than an ashen mixture that’s probably kept in some sort of unmarked jar (I’ll bet you $10 my mom has one in her vanity). Plus, who wants to actually wax themselves? Personally, I’d rather poke myself in the eye.
After having smoke spill from the oven after another failed attempt at Pinterest cookies, covering my forearms with mini burns and dusting my French toast with baking powder, I decided it was time to remove myself from the social media torture chamber.
My life can’t handle that kind stress. And even though now I rarely go on the site, I still tremble in fear when my mom says she’s doing something new that she found on Pinterest.