Should movie theaters reopen, Timothee Chalamet is about to have a very big year. The 24-year-old indie darling is set to star in Wes Anderson’s “The French Dispatch” and the highly anticipated adaptation of “Dune,” helmed by Denis Villanueve. Since his breakout performance in “Call Me By Your Name,” Chalamet has made a strong run at becoming one of the most bankable actors under the age of 25. Now he seems primed for the next chapter of his career.
When first seeing Chalamet many people probably think: “talented,” “great hair,” “scrawny sex symbol,” etc. What I think is: “There is no way that guy always washes his hands.” That may seem presumptive but, according to a study done in March of this year, 69% of men don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. The odds say that Chalamet is likely one of those men. If I give it a little more thought, I think he probably washes his hands really well or not at all. No in-between. But to put the question to rest I have compiled a list of Chalamet’s most important roles and ranked them based on their likelihood of washing their hands after going to the bathroom.
8. Hal/Henry V, “The King”
There is a scene in “The King” where someone delivers a message from the king to Hal while he is among the common folk. The messenger covers his nose and mouth with a handkerchief so as to avoid the smell but Hal is unfazed. The scene is meant to show that Hal is a man of the people and that there is a disconnect between the current government and its constituents. This says a lot about Hal’s character but what does it say about his hygiene? This kid lives in filth. Do I think Henry V washes his hands? It’s possible. Does it matter? Probably not.
Verdict: Lives in filth.
7. Kyle Scheible, “Lady Bird”
I’m going to say right off the bat there is no way this dude washes his hands. Plays in a band. Smokes hand-rolled cigarettes. Claims he hasn’t lied in two years but definitely has. Unironically says “baller.”
Verdict: Kyle.
6. Tom, “Interstellar”
You would be forgiven if you forgot that Timothee Chalamet was in Christopher Nolan’s complex space epic “Interstellar.” Chalamet plays the young son of Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) who takes care of the family farm while his father ventures out into space. I’m not going to try to make any insights into Tom’s character aside from the fact that he is 15. The sad truth about 15-year-old boys, which everyone who has ever made the mistake of shaking hands with them should know, is that they don’t wash their hands. Sorry, Tom.
Verdict: 15-year-old boy.
5. Eric Foley, “Law and Order”
Timothy Chalamet’s first acting job was in a Season 19 episode of “Law and Order” in which he, like many young actors getting their start in Hollywood, plays a murder victim. Eric is probably around 10 so he is not washing his hands for the same reason as Chalamet’s character in “Interstellar.” However, he is a 10-year-old who’s a murder victim so I’d feel bad placing him any lower on this list.
Verdict: Doesn’t wash hands.
4. Daniel, “Hot Summer Nights”
In “Hot Summer Nights” Chalamet plays Daniel, an awkward teenager who suddenly gets into the world of drug dealing during a summer in Cape Cod. I’ve never seen this movie but in the trailer, Daniel goes to the bathroom and then before he can wash his hands, Maika Monroe storms in and starts making out with him. I don’t know what happens next but hopefully, it doesn’t involve his hands.
Verdict: Too busy making out.
3. Theodore “Laurie” Laurence, “Little Women”
Chalamet plays the charming Laurie in Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of “Little Women.” Many would assume that he would wash his hands, being that he is a man of great wealth and luxury. Laurie is a child of privilege and carries that special brand of dirtbag preppiness that Chalamet has such a knack for capturing. He is flawed but ultimately adored and, most importantly, appears fairly clean. If I was a betting man I’d say he washes his hands. However, all of this is a red herring. “Little Women” takes place in the late 1800s so everyone was dirty as hell. Laurie probably smelled like manure.
Verdict: Washes hands but still dirty.
2. Elio, “Call Me By Your Name”
For many people, “Call Me By Your Name” was their introduction to Chalamet. He gives a powerful and tender performance as Elio, a boy coming to terms with his sexuality as he falls in love with an older graduate student staying at his parents’ home in Italy. The performance earned him an Oscar nomination and showcased his talents as one of the most promising actors working today. “Call Me By Your Name” creates a beautiful collage of intimate vignettes along the Italian countryside, and Chalamet gives an honest performance of yearning and heartbreak. But does he wash his hands?
Elio seems like the kind of person that would wash his hands. He has a strong relationship with his parents and I wouldn’t be surprised if hygiene and manners were an important part of his upbringing — along with tearing up the ivories. I just can’t get over what he did to that peach.
Verdict: Washes hands.*
*totally ejaculated into a peach
1. Nic Sheff, “Beautiful Boy”
“Beautiful Boy” is a harrowing story about the effects of addiction and how it shapes the relationship between a boy and his father. Chalamet plays Nic Sheff, an 18-year-old addicted to methamphetamines. The film follows his journey with addiction while his father (Steve Carrell) tries to help him. There is actually a scene in which Nic washes his hands after going to the bathroom so this one is easy.
Verdict: Washes hands.
What can be concluded from this? 62.5% of Timothee Chalamet characters don’t wash their hands. This percentage is slightly better than the male average but still isn’t great.
Wash your hands. Wear a mask.
