The most beautiful, captivating woman is most likely partnered up with a regular dude.
The “hot girlfriend, ugly boyfriend” phenomenon has become a meme on social media because of how funny it is to see a woman who is put together — well-dressed, hair and nails done, makeup on point — with a man who is almost always wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, basketball shorts and a pair of slides (occasionally paired with white socks). While the memes are funny, they also raise a controversial question: would a beautiful man willingly date an ugly woman?
In a patriarchal society, people desperately desire male validation. Everyone desires to be acknowledged by a man, even if they aren’t necessarily attracted to him. This impulse is the result of the established hierarchy where men reign at the very top and therefore receive greater value. People value and desire men’s viewpoints, thoughts, emotions and even physical touch more than women’s. Male validation is like when a higher-up at work acknowledges an intern; the intern’s hard work and effort now carries worth — or so it may seem.
While many have accused women of incessantly yearning for male validation, it is usually other men who seek it the most.
Within a patriarchy exists an important, inflexible foundation: traditional gender expectations. Men in a patriarchy experience a steady, lifelong pressure to fit their community’s masculine norms, even if some of those norms are destructive. Gender norms isolate men as the roles that they created and forced upon themselves consume them, which ultimately results in “toxic masculinity.” “Toxic masculinity,” is a term whose meaning has changed over time, but today, therapists use it to describe violent, destructive or anti-feminine behaviors that people teach are “natural” for men. Men cannot be emotional creatures. Cannot seek comfort. Cannot have hobbies. The list of the things that men cannot do and cannot be is exhausting. These restrictions explain why men seek male validation the most: they want to assure themselves that they are navigating the world as society expects them to.
In order to receive validation, men live by the “W” equation: Wealth + Women = Wellness.
Wealth, in this case, amounts to material things. Gold chains and rings. Fancy cars. Designer clothes. These possessions act as beacons for male approval that signal material success. These men make their own money, as they should. And they spend it, as they should. Men always make sure that their gold chains and rings are real. They purchase the latest models of fancy cars. They might even hang designer clothes in their closets as soon as the model finishes walking in them. All of these purchases are to ensure that men never appear lacking in anything. All of these purchases are to ensure that men get ahead of other men in the hierarchy, so that other men will admire them and aspire to be them.
Now, back to the question: would a beautiful man willingly date an “ugly” woman? Because patriarchy is entrenched in society, most of the time, the answer is no. Men do not always perceive women as equals — only as accessories. Like the gold chains and fancy cars and designer clothes, women are meant to elevate a man’s public image. Consequently, men worry about what their “homeboys” think about their girlfriend and place their friends’ opinions over their own feelings for her. Men’s desire for male validation is especially prevalent in this part of the “W” equation. Most times, men only find a woman attractive simply because other men desire her; if he ends up with a desirable woman, then he will earn respect. Her emotions do not matter. What matters is that other men pay their respects.
Ultimately, the “wellness” part of the “W” equation depends on the physical, not the emotional. Men’s creation of a patriarchal society has essentially made them incapable of connecting with people on a deeper level. Therefore, men base wellness on the perception of other men. Men have essentially caged themselves and made it incredibly difficult to break free.
On the other hand, emotional connection has freed women from the cage. Nowadays, as more and more women break away from the impulse to purposefully seek male validation, most women simply pursue men who make them feel safe and validated. A couple requirements still exist, of course, but they depend on what each respective woman wants and needs — not on what other women or men might think. Women’s lack of concern for external validation lies at the heart of the “beautiful woman, ugly boyfriend” phenomenon. Who cares if a man is ugly and wears basketball shorts? He takes care of her and respects her.
The perceived “weakness” of women’s lifestyles and habits gave them strength and comfort, ultimately allowing women to break away from their desire for male validation. Women seek comfort from other women. Women seek fulfillment from other women. But only because they gave themselves the space to do so.
It is not easy for men to do the same, as men punch down to protect their own status and ego. Opening up isn’t easy, and society hasn’t taught men how to connect with one another on an emotional level. It may take many years before men can form bonds based on emotional connections. However, the important thing to remember is that the first step to connecting and empathizing with another person is the willingness to do so.
