Anyone who has EVER had a sleepover of any type—romantic, platonic, other (?)—knows the difficulties of sharing a bed.
He snores like a thousand phones on vibrate, all sitting on a glass counter top. She must’ve had professional training in MMA because you somehow never leave the next morning unscathed. He burritos himself in, leaving no room for your taco. And you might as well be in a mental ward, because wrapped in her arms you are very securely strapped down with no free will, no air to breathe, no sanity left to lose.
Yes, being in bed with someone is rough. And looking for answers online doesn’t really help much. Either they give you the “no duh” response that you’ve already tried and failed at, or they tell you to barricade yourself away in your little corner of the comforter and hope the enemy doesn’t penetrate your fortress of solitude.
But in my opinion, that completely defeats the purpose of sleeping with someone. If I didn’t want to platonically spoon my best friend, I’d go home or take up residence on the couch. But waking up with her perfectly sculpted ass nestled up next to me is a brilliant way to start off the day—and I’m straight.
If I didn’t want to snuggle and do some midnight tussling with my cutie, I’d say “see ya” and get the hell out of there before canoodling commenced. But waking up with his warm, garlicky morning breath gassing me out of my sleep is worth it when it’s coming from his marvelous mouth.
So, in the undertaking of this arduous operation, compromises must be made. And don’t listen to those separation starters that are constantly thrown out there, you don’t need two beds for one night.
Snoring
I feel you all on this one. I’m a super light sleeper and any noise will keep me from dozing off. So when I found out that my boyfriend snores, I cursed the gods, begging them to replace this flaw with something more tolerable, like murder charges or poor hygiene. And he’s not even that loud, honestly. I’m just a very selfish sleeper and I like to slumber in silence.
So here’s what I do. First of all, as you’ve probably already found out, stacking pillows on your head doesn’t do anything. Even if it did, would it be worth contorting your arms and neck in a way that, while break your bones, allows you to fasten down the fort? No, taking cover is not the answer. Your significant other is not a missile bomb.
Turn them over. You may have thought that all those sitcoms were joking when they showed the actors shoving each other off the bed every time one of them starting sawing away, but they mock because it works. Rolling them off of their backs and onto their sides will either make them breathe easy in their comatose state, or will rouse them awake long enough for you to pass out before it starts again.
If that’s too mean spirited for you, or you’re actually worried about flipping them onto the floor—kudos for you, hitting the gym has been good to you—then pretend to toss and turn until they get annoyed, wake up and shift away onto their side. Problem solved, and you can always make it up to them later by letting them steal your blankets or pushing you off your pillow.
Tossing and Turning
So maybe you’re the one snoring and they’ve read my tips. Or maybe they chase squirrels alongside their dog at your feet. Who knows, either way it’s still irritating as all get out. I find that losing my temper backfires and I end up skedaddling to the sofa for a siesta.
Instead, play the concern card. “Are you ok?” “You need anything?” etc. Or just reach over and rub their back or shoulders. Like toddlers, the physical contact will distract them from whatever it was keeping them up and they might be able to zoink out after a few minutes.
But whatever you do, do not initiate nuzzling. It’s hard enough trying to get yourself comfortable. As nice as it is to have you there with them, now they have to deal with two bodies.
Sheet Selfishness
Let the tug-of-war begin! He’s commandeering the comforter, but, OH, she snaps back with a vindictive pillow pilfer.
End the violence now and invest in a bigger blanket already people. Granny’s quilt isn’t going to cut it anymore, that throne needs a king size sheet. Unlike what some say, I think that sleeping with two separate blankets is kind of lonely. There’s no chance of flirty footsie or “accidental” butt grabs that way. What’s the fun in that? Just get a colossal cloak, or carpet if it comes down to it, and then there’s room for both of you to be greedy and still have room for booty bumps under the covers.
Snuggle Aversion
It’s okay to want some of that spooning action I talked of earlier, I mean, it’s why you don’t mind sharing a bed, right? But it’s also ok to need your space too.
Some people just run hot and you using them like a space heater and crowding in on their furnace body is NOT appreciated.
Load up on cuddles throughout the day—remind yourself that they want you by paying attention to how they ogle and drool at your bodacious body.
Find a pillow that likes your rib crushing, bone breaking, organ deflating nuzzling. Name it Alex, buy it a ring, move in with it instead.
Whatever it takes to respect your partners space, man.
As torturous as it may seem at the time, remember why it’s worth it. Not because of the whole waking-up-to-the-one-you-love thing yada yada, but because you could become eternal—or at least live long enough for scientists to figure out how to make you immortal.
Sleeping with someone coincides with healthy hearts.
Tell that to Meemaw next time she’s slut shaming you.
