Deals for Doomsday
From headphones to guns, you’ll need to score some bargains this Friday to outlast the coming era (error?) of Trump.
By Jeffrey Cope, Texas State University.
As you know, Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States, and the world has come to a complete and devastating end…or at least it might.
Some people are arguing that Trump’s election is going to lead to the end of the world via nuclear disaster. Others claim that his victory over Clinton is what actually saved the country from war and doomsday.
So, seeing as how we’re all in a collective dammed-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don’t type scenario, I’ve put together a list of items that you can score on Black Friday that will become invaluable as the political climate continues to worsen. With these five purchases, the next few years of political mayhem will not only be survivable, they’ll be downright entertaining.
1. A Big Ass HD TV
With a former reality TV star now acting as the Carrot-in-Chief, you are going to need a good screen to watch the spectacle unfold.
With an HD monitor, you’ll be able to witness, in stunning detail, the cortege that is the U.S. presidency.
Whether the show turns out to be a comedy or horror flick, you are not going to want to miss it. Though I don’t think firing world leaders will be as easy as offing struggling celebrities, whatever happens from this point on, America is in for a show.
2. Noise-Canceling Headphones
You will only be able to handle the media’s biased bullshit and Trump’s incessant broken-English braggadocio for so long before you’ll have to turn off the your new HD TV.
Unfortunately, even then, everybody around you will still be bitching and complaining about the same Trump-related issues.
So, to help you avoid some of the arguing and achieve a little peace, I recommend that you grab yourself some noise-canceling headphones. With your ears protected from the political palaver, you will be able to go to your quiet place and bid Trump protesters and supporters to go to hell, along with their loud, irrational bickering.
3. Passport
While a passport isn’t necessarily a Black Friday purchase, it is still worth having as a precaution, just in case doomsday does befall the U.S. under a Trump presidency.
And if you don’t already have a set of noise-canceling headphones, you’ve probably heard the complaints of many celebrities who say they plan a mass exodus to Canada if Trump is elected. (Why not Mexico, hmm?)
4. Gun(s)
As a fan of “The Walking Dead” and other apocalyptic series, I can tell you with confidence that surviving the end of the world will be impossible without a little firepower.
So, for those not wanting to get a passport and flee the country, the ones who would rather fight it out, I suggest you equip yourself with a firearm (and training lessons) this holiday weekend—an activity that may get a lot easier to do under a Trump administration, by the way.
A gun might seem like an extreme purchase, but if Trump causes a nuclear apocalypse, which then somehow creates a race of radioactive terrorists or Russian zombies, you will need to fight back after you emerge from your underground bunker.
5. Weed
Though only legal in a handful of states, after the election results came in, I’m sure millions across the country needed some green to cope with the orange.
The victory on election night was not Trump’s alone, as a number of states passed pro-marijuana legislation. The new laws might mellow everyone out a little, which will help delay the reality-star-turned-president from engaging Russia in nuclear war.
With Trump raising the country’s collective stress level, something to take the edge off will be vital to surviving his presidency. If you’re in a state where marijuana is legal, it may just be the most important item on your Black Friday shopping list.
