In every American college movie I’ve seen, there are three consistent tropes:
1. The most coveted women on campus are in sororities, and they’re usually dumb af.
2. The male equivalents, also known as frat bros, are socially matched with the corresponding sorority members.
3. The underdogs try to concoct an elaborate plan to win the popular girl’s heart.
I never understood the reasoning behind why women would vie for these beer-guzzling troglodytes. The character that is supposed to portray a “loser” is unhappy with their perfect GPA and post-grad job offer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, all because they spent their entire college career in the library as opposed to chugging down Budweisers.
American culture has pegged fraternity members as the top of the social hierarchy, but it’s time to finally recognize the unsung heroes of the college campus.
Engineers.
Why hook up with a frat bro whose only prospect after college is to travel the world and drink beer competitively, when you can land an engineer with a mean salary of $90,000 at Boeing? Sure, you may have to learn how to play Settlers of Catan, but it’s worth it for these reasons.
1. They’re Creative in Bed
Engineers have conquered the abstract ideas behind their engineering classes. They often spend multiple days on one problem, only to have it be completely wrong. This is the kind of training that can be applied to real world circumstances, like having sex.
The human body is like a linear algebra equation; it’s complex, but worth understanding. You can think of each unknown variable as an erogenous zone within a person’s body. Each variable that is uncovered means that you are one step closer to achieving the ultimate satisfaction. Math has never been sexier.
2. Furniture Assembly
There are a few things in life that I wouldn’t want to impose on anybody. There are the obvious banes like car accidents or cancer, but I’m absolutely positive that trying to build IKEA furniture without the instruction manual is its own circle of hell in Dante’s Inferno.
Try saying JLKORDBERGERN three times fast. Now, try figuring out what a JLKORDBERGERN is and what hole it’s supposed to go in.
With an engineer’s help though, you’ll be able to build all the dorm room furniture you want, plus modifications. The challenges that IKEA furniture brings upon the layman is nothing compared to building a functional rocket.
3. Bragging Rights
Completing an engineering degree takes extreme discipline and dedication. It all pays off in the end and you should flaunt it to everyone you know. Have you ever heard of a doctor who says “Don’t call me Dr.Stein, I hate being referred to as doctor.” No, because that doesn’t happen. These disciplines are hard to obtain and it’s perfectly acceptable to flaunt your achievements. It’s even better when you job-drop* to your friends.
*Job Drop: Similar to a name-drop, but instead of boasting about powerful people, you boast about powerful job positions.
“Yeah Jen just got a promotion at JPL as head mechanical engineer” sounds a lot better than “Yeah, Jen just got a promotion as head H.R. associate.” There’s nothing like the sweet feeling of being envied by everyone at the party.
4. Gender Inequality
Statistically speaking, there are more boys than girls in the engineering field, which means that women don’t have to worry about infidelity when there’s only one girl in the class. T
here are twenty other guys that are nervously sweating trying to ask out the same girl. The competition is fierce.
5. Financial Security
Engineers are the perfect target to latch your parasitic teeth onto. The starting salary for those in the petroleum field is somewhere in the six-figure range. SIX FIGURES!
In the process of falling in love with their money personality, you can even fall in love. This is the stuff that even Hollywood can’t make up. Remember, gold digging is only shameful if you get caught.
6. Human Calculator
Eating out is a favorite pastime of mine, as evidenced by my embarrassingly active Yelp account.
My favorite restaurants are those that give the calculated tip on the bottom of the receipt. Who has the time and energy to pull out their iPhone and calculate a 20 percent tip?
*Side note: If you tip any less than 20 percent for fantastic servers, you should be subjected to the aforementioned circle of hell where you build IKEA furniture.
Lucky for you, your significant other has taken multivariable calculus and can calculate tip in less than five seconds. Say you want to give 23.5 percent of a $50 bill. Boom, it’s $11.25! Actually let me check with this engineer sitting right next to me. It’s $11.75. See how useful he is?
7. They Underestimate Themselves
What you have is a perfect specimen who is both completely hot and Bill Nye the Science guy smart. The key thing about engineers is that they don’t know this.
Most of these mathletes were considered undesirable nerds all throughout middle school and high school. So once college hits and they grow into themselves, they still have the mentality that they’re undesirable.
Use this insecurity and pounce on your prey before some other predator grabs ahold of them. As Charles Darwin once said “Only the fittest survive.” I’m preeetty sure he was talking about dating.
8. Budgeting
Engineers always have a plan. They’re some of the most meticulous people when it comes to details.
If you need to budget your low salary against that new Hermes bag, then your beau can help you out. Sometimes it’s nice to put your Cup Noodles in your new Louis Vuitton bag.
