On my first day of university, I met my freshman-year roommate. We were randomly matched, and I had agonized all summer about who I would be sharing my entire existence with. American universities typically shove underclassmen into a 12 foot by 19 foot box with a stranger and say “have fun.” Dorm-life is notoriously complicated: dorm building hallways are often filled with roommates in the process of moving out, the sound of screaming from behind closed doors, bullying, friction and unauthorized milk stealing.
But what about the other side? Are you envious of the seemingly lucky few who live in harmony with their appointed live-in stranger? It doesn’t happen magically. It takes work to cohabitate, but if each side is willing to try, a relationship worth a lifetime can form.
Here are four tips about how to get along with your college roommate.
Set Boundaries
Respect and boundaries are vital to any relationship. But when you are living with someone, these values need to be made extremely clear. Discuss what time that should be lights-out or quiet time; if you can’t agree, compromise.
For example, if your roommate goes to sleep at 9pm and you go to bed at 4am (although this is certainly not recommended), there needs to be a reasonable agreed-upon time when lights are out but there can still be some movement. Otherwise, if you or your roommate are being disruptive during quiet hours, perhaps that roommate should go into a common place where they can continue to engage in activities without disturbing their roommate.
Just make sure to set rules (written down agreements are best) for any aspect of life while sharing a space that needs to be regulated. Room temperature, cleanliness, private property, lights out/on, quiet hours — all of these need to be discussed before issues arise. This will limit the buildup of resentment throughout the year. If these boundaries are disrespected, it’s time to have a talk.
Communicate
It’s said over and over again: communication is key. Though you have a written agreement with your roommates, there will be situations that you run into throughout the year that require further deliberating between parties.
Communication is how you develop a framework of living with another person. A Psychology Today article states that “In communication, we develop, create, maintain, and alter our relationships.” Ignoring each other is infeasible. Whether or not you want it, living with someone creates a relationship. In order to control the path of said relationship, communication is key.
Simply communicating — “Hey, I’m going to be back late today,” or “Hey, could you make sure to wash your mugs so they don’t attract bugs?” — will give you a chance to stem resentment before it causes real damage. Other people are not mind readers. Vocalizing concerns will give you a fighting chance at getting along.
Communication for safety’s sake — being accountable for each other in this new and exciting place — can also be a valuable asset to cohabitating. In the absence of family, many find themselves feeling alone or without a support system. Having someone to make sure you come back every night, who can talk to you when you are frustrated, is vital to students who have been ripped away from everything they have known and put in a new environment. Building this social net with a roommate, showing you care about each other’s well-being, can also open up the possibility of friendship.
Build Rapport
One of the most vital aspects of cohabitation in my dorm life was spending time getting to know my roommate. According to MIT’s roommate guide, taking time to get to know your roommate will enhance your overall experience. Knowing each other — family life, stresses, the “why” behind their actions — will help you to better understand and adapt to each other while you live together.
Perhaps your roommate bugs you about cleanliness because in high school their house was cluttered. Perhaps they have insomnia, in which case their insistence on lights out and quiet makes all the more sense.
Circumstance provides you with the chance to make a built-in friend that can be there for you when all else fails. Simply walking to the dining hall together or cleaning the room at the same time can begin the path to an easy friendship that may last a lifetime. There’s a reason that so many adults talk about their college roommates—this unique experience produces unique and often long-lasting relationships.
Expectations and Outlook
Every person is different, and every person is going through their own issues that may reflect how they live and interact. It is important to understand that your roommate will never be perfect, but if you set boundaries, communicate and build friendship with them, maybe their imperfections — and yours — will not hinder, but rather enhance your college experience.
Georgetown University reported that one third of college students have problems with roommates. In 17% of students, a negative roommate situation impacts academics. If you are having problems, this is normal. Living with a stranger will have its snags. There is nothing wrong with you, and there’s probably nothing wrong with your cohabitator.
Work on finding a solution quickly. If there needs to be further action, call on RAs (residential assistants). If a solution can’t be found, sometimes removing yourself from the situation and moving might be the best for everyone around.
I have seen situations where further action should have been taken earlier—it can get ugly. But remember, you don’t have to be best friends, you don’t have to have the same habits. There is a huge range of how a functional roommate relationship might look. Each one is unique from each other and every dynamic has a balance that needs to be found.
As a junior in University, I’ve spent three years tackling the university dorm system. My roommate randomly assigned for our freshman year at university is now my housemate at an off campus apartment. When you are in the midst of a breakdown because your roommate’s rock-n-roll session coincides with your chem homework, remember: cohabitation is an art, not a science.
