The Best Bad Videos on YouTube
From cringe to creep, these ten videos will make you question whether inventing video cameras was a good idea after all.
By Daniel Wilcox, University of Texas at San Antonio
I always had cable as a child.
Cable was a luxury for most of my friends, but in my house, my parents saw it as an essential utility. By consequence, some of my earliest memories are of me with a clicker in my little paw, flipping through stations willy-nilly, never settling on anything, just enraptured by the flicker of rolling programming on our humming TV set (no wonder I’m the way I am).
When I moved out on my own, it was adios cable. What could I do now? You can’t idly flip through books; browsing Tumblr is too frustrating a way to pass the time; even video games require a modicum of commitment.
Alas, YouTube. An endless ocean of user-generated content homogenized with corporate crap. The true American dream: Let’s Plays and cat videos shown side by side, with Star Wars trailers and Jimmy Kimmel’s attempts at comedy. I can spend hours tumbling down the YouTube rabbit hole, blissful in my wifi wanderlust, wholly forgetting that cable ever existed in my life.
Recently, I found the last YouTube playlist I’ll ever need: “More dislikes than likes,” composed by a user named Kelpo Jr. It’s exactly as it sounds; this is a collection of videos that YouTube viewers outwardly hate en masse. The stinkiest of the stinky. I typically disdain my generation’s infatuation with content deemed “so bad it’s good.” Why do we feel the need to be so ironic all the time? Don’t we realize that as we laugh at the trainwreck that is Honey Boo Boo, that her family is laughing along with us all the way to the bank? There’s enough high quality work out there being composed by talented artists and filmmakers. It makes no sense to heap unwarranted attention on garbage.
But this garbage is too good.
The video library from “More dislikes than likes” ranges from colossal misfires to the exceptionally poor in taste, from the creepy to the downright mean. The playlist is exhaustive, and not every clip deserves your attention. To save you the trouble of wading through hours of video diarrhea, I’ve highlighted ten of my favorite selections from YouTube’s Dumpster Fire Hall of Fame. Presented in no particular order—because how can you rank crap?—here they are.
1. Albert – “Booty Pop” (6 yr old rapper) Official
Straight outta South Florida, Albert brings us the most cringe-inducing club banger in modern history. Honestly, who thought this was a good idea? I’m sure it started out innocently enough: “Oh look, our little Albert can spit some bars. We should take him down to pool and make a video!” And somewhere between that conversation and the posting of this clip, everybody involved lost sight of where the line of propriety was.
What’s astonishing is how comfortable this rhyming tyke is surrounded by all that bouncing ass. I go back and forth between being appalled by the audacity of the video, and feeling jealous of how dexterously Albert handles his harem of bikini-clad dancers. I guess some guys are just born with it.
And hey, truth be told, he’s still a better rapper than Future.
2. Worst Cover of Nirvana ever….
Well it certainly smells like something, and it’s not teen spirit.
Look, I’m not going to knock these kids too hard. They’re just kids. If this video teaches us anything, it’s that music is not as easy as it looks sometimes. The song this tragic trio is covering is little more than three chords and four bass frets. Ostensibly simple, but as witnessed, even the simplest composition can be butchered. Also, I think I hate Nirvana now.
The video is a true endurance test, and the real heroes are the people in the audience, the brave contingent who managed to ride this one out to its conclusion. That’s more than I can say for anyone I’ve shown this video too.
3. Lucas The Magnificent – OPETH Pale Communion REVIEW
Where to begin. The accent, atrocious. The beard, egregious. The fedora, pretentious. The review, unintelligible.
And I think that’s the real crime here. Lucas the Not So Magnificent is clearly reading his review off of something (I assume a computer screen), yet his argument is all over the place. If intelligence is requisite to appreciating progressive death metal, why couldn’t this review have included more substantial critiques of the album? Not enough growls, you say? Your review is making me growl.
What balls it takes to call out Opeth at the end of the review, as if they owe him something. I’m sure the band is sitting in the studio right now saying, “Guys, we really need lay down a solid album this time. I feel awful about how we disappointed Lucas the Marginal. Without his validation, I mean, who are we as a band?”
4. Nicki Minaj – Stupid Hoe
Don’t get it twisted; I’m not saying that Nicki Minaj is a stupid hoe. I’m not even implying it. But a little forethought would’ve made all the difference here. Because when you record a video of such odious quality, title it “Stupid Hoe” then release it on YouTube, it’s like you’re willingly loading the guns the firing squad is going to execute you with. I mean, look at that title. Just look at it. You never want your name to be anywhere in the vicinity of the words “stupid hoe.”
It’s not hard, Nicki. Just change the name of the song. Maybe call it “You a Stupid Hoe.” Or maybe get artsy with it and call it “Untitled.” Or better still, drop this cut from the record entirely, as this video is too indicative of what the inside of Nicki Minaj’s mind looks like. You’re taking us somewhere we don’t want to be, Nicki.
5. David Bowie tribute vape video
When you think of David Bowie, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Yeah, of course vaping. Derr.
At least that’s the connotation this vapey performance artist drew when he filmed this touching tribute to Ziggy Stardust.
Let’s call a spade a spade; vapey here finally learned how to blow vape rings, and he wanted to show them off on YouTube. One problem: No one gives a damn. Solution: Cash in on recently deceased David Bowie. All you have to do is play “Space Oddity” in the background and vape away.
Of course now vapey’s got a new problem: How do you commemorate Harambe? May God’s love be with you, vapey.
6. Ted Cruz’s Best ‘Simpsons’ Impressions
Being a conservative, I’m left to ask myself the same thing every single day: Why on Earth can’t Republicans do anything cool? Coolness comes so easy to the liberals: Obama can talk hip hop and makes a tourney bracket every March; Bill Clinton played a sexy intern saxophone, and Bernie Sanders is discreetly urban.
Us here on the right, what do we got? Just watch it. I’m almost glad Trump beat this clown.
Well, on second thought…
7. The Official Donald Trump Jam
Ugh. Who farted, right?
Those poor girls. Think of the most embarrassing, most incriminating thing your parents made you do when you were young. When these girls grow up they’ll listen to their friends reminisce about awkward ballet recitals, unwilling soccer games and boring nativity plays. “Oh yeah?” these girls will say. “Well I sang Donald Trump’s rally jam. It more-or-less got him elected.” It’s kind of a drop-the-mic moment, isn’t it?
8. Never ask “what color is your underwear”
It’s recommended that the viewer immediately after watching this video takes a long shower to wash the ick off.
I seriously can’t think of anything more unseemly than filming yourself asking a random woman what color her underwear is. Why would you do this? For the love of God, why would you post it? A million PSAs about sexual assault would not be as effective as this video. God help us.
9. Am I kawaii?
No.
10. Alison Gold – Chinese Food (Official Music Video)
Wait, is that? No! No, it can’t be. Oh, dammit, it is! It’s the creepy rapper (Patrice Wilson) from Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” Now after ruining Black’s life, Wilson is back as a creepy rapping panda in this latest tween headscratcher.
I want to say this video is culturally insensitive, but it’s more culturally confused than anything else. It’s like an alien has been receiving transmissions from Earth, consisting solely of Chinese food restaurant commercials and some teenage girl’s Twitter feed. Using these context clues alone, the alien attempted to write a hit song. This is the result.
It seems Wilson hasn’t improved one iota as a songwriter since the Rebecca Black fiasco. Now poor Alison Gold has been ensnared in his web of shitty lyrics and skeezy implications (what the hell is he doing at a slumber party? Wearing a panda costume doesn’t make things status quo, dude.).
My question is, Where are the parents? Is Alison Gold an orphan or something? New rule: Any parent who allows their daughter to make music with Patrice Wilson has to appear in the video with them. Either that or jail time. I’d wager most might opt for jail.
