The Seven Amazing Realities Behind Knee-High Socks
A crusader for the fashion knights who say knee.
By Olivia McCoy, University of Georgia
Let me begin with a clarification: This is not a fashion post or anything of that affiliation.
This is a piece dedicated to the wonders, both social and practical, of knee-high socks. The collegiate world needs a prescriptive sock blog. If you doubt me or if you don’t think a thousand words can be written about socks, specifically knee-highs, then sit back and prepare to be amazed. Here are seven reasons to wear knee-high socks.
1. Get Legs That Live Forever
Basically, they’re a stylish alternative to compression socks.
What do I mean? I’m glad you asked!
Compression socks are used to treat lymphedema, phlebitis, lipodermatosclerosis and a whole slew of other obscure, scary-sounding diseases and syndromes that I’ve never heard of.
I recommend talking to your doctor before buying one of these compressor socks, because there can be serious side effects such as diarrhea, constipation, erectile dysfunction, random bleeding, stroke and in some cases even death.
I’m kidding. I have no idea what compression socks do.
As great as they sound though, one thing’s for sure: Compression socks boring and expensive.
So here’s what I propose. Choose from a variety of colors and patterns and pictures, buy some knee-high socks, make sure they’re the right size (easy, if it falls off your leg or amputates you at the knee, it’s the wrong size) and enjoy! Way easier than their compressing counterparts.
2. Adios, Cold Ankles
You know when it’s cold out and you’re huddling into yourself like there’s a possibility that digging your hands into your armpits will transport you to the nearest hot chocolate/fireplace den? Even just the fantasy is probably making you feel better, but then you get to the bus stop.
You sit down and your jeans rise up, even if just a quarter inch. You’ve forever lost any idea of ever being warm ever again and begin to tumble down into an icy hole of freezing tundra-ed depression.
We’ve all been there, or at least I have, and I’m here to tell you that the first step is admitting it: Your ankle/no show/tube socks just aren’t cutting it anymore.
It’s time to move on to the new love of your life, knee-high knit socks, or as I like to call them, toasted-marshmallow warm wonders from God Almighty himself.
3. Crush Attention
It’s time. You have been wall-flowering it up for far too long.
Strap on some shorts, a skirt or cute dress (men, you are invited to do so as well) and show off those sexy calves in those dazzling knee-highs adorned with traffic cones, cats or whatever you happened to have found appealing on the shelves of Target the day that you bought them. You’ll be sure to catch their attention with those bad boys. Strut into that classroom/library/dining hall and get yourself noticed!
Side note: You’ll have to actually talk to them as well. The socks are guaranteed to get you noticed, but no matter how cool that green flamingo looking pattern is, the socks can only get you so far. See how at the next step.
4. Wearable Conversation-Starters
There is no equivalent to the immediate wash of confidence you will receive once a pair of knee-highs are rolled up to your thigh.
Sporting those lil’ rascals will give you the power to do anything, including talking to the crush that you’ve been secretly (creepily if we’re being completely honest) admiring from behind your textbook at the back of the class.
You may ask, “But what do I say?” and that’s the best part! Not only do the socks act as a laxative for your confidence, but they give you something to talk about. They will be laughing WITH YOU at the end of the day about how bad-ass your hosiery is.
5. Let Freak Flag Fly
People are always saying that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but what if you can take what’s on the inside (sans viscera) and put it on the outside?
As it turns out you can with (you guessed it) knee-freaking-high socks. Because knee-highs trounce any other sock type, they come in every pattern and color imaginable. Seriously though, right now I have a pair of Van Gogh’s Starry Night knee-highs sitting next to my green and purple polka-dotted, knee-high-ed toe socks.
I promise you, there is a knee-high for every mood you could possibly even dream of and they are just as amazing as I make them out to be.
6. Gift Material
Have you ever been in that dilemma where someone asks what to get you for your birthday/graduation/ funeral? It’s awkward as hell and you never know what to tell them: You can’t tell everyone to get you the same thing, what if what you want is too expensive, what if they’d be too embarrassed to buy it for you, what if it’s too awesome and it gets stolen in the mail etc. etc. etc.
Fear not, young Padawan, for once you’ve been labelled That Knee-High Kid you’ll never have to worry about what you’re getting for your next funeral again. Prepare to be swimming in socks, my friend, it is the experience of a lifetime.
7. They’re Gender Neutral…
…or at least their history is. As it turns out, romans and gladiators used to fight over that last pair on sale as well! If the entirety of the Roman Empire can pull them off, then you can rock them too, man.
I hope I have sufficiently proven the (k)need for (k)nee-highs. Hopefully this post will inspire you to embrace your destiny today and ensure that sock prescriptions will be our beacon of hope for the future.
Love yourself, go sock shopping with a friend today, and let your freak flag fly.
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