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Life Lessons from a Stoned College Student

“If you think you smell like pot, you smell like pot.”

By Harlem Hamilton, Northwestern University

Most of us have been in similar situations: You wake up after a night of Bullet Bourbon and Yuengling Lagers.

Your head is pounding, mouth dry, and your newly awoken eyes feel like 100-pound sandbags being lifted by a half-broken crane. Or, you have an hour to spare before class, and you need something to help you get through your three 80-minute lectures in a row.

You open your drawer, retrieve kind bud and load your 16-arm tree percolator water pipe. Or, you call up your buddy and have him roll a white grape White Owl cigarillo before you head to campus for the day.

By changing the normal beat of the average day, everyday, you pick up on the weirdness embedded in the matrix of the mundane.

You get into a particular routine and find yourself scheduling your time to properly ease your mind before participating in the often-dull day of college classes. Senses activated; conscious cleared. This is what you learn smoking pot before class everyday.

If You Think You Smell Like Pot, You Do

The new strain you picked up from “your guy” that was shipped in from Colorado smells like a mix of Fruity Pebbles and Tang. There is no hiding that particular and recognizable aroma.

You can barrage yourself with heavy Axe spray, or change your clothes before leaving your apartment, but honestly, do you really think that will help mask the earthy odor?

The smell of your fresh wake-and-bake will linger with you the rest of the day, following you around like an ecstatic dog begging for his to owner to give him a bone.

Why try to conceal this beautiful, natural scent with douche cologne that attempts to replicate the smell of the ocean? Embrace the stench, let it fly and don’t give a damn about the thoughts of others, or yourself for that matter. If someone calls you out for smelling like pot, well, they’re probably stoned too.

Your Professor Can Tell

As much as it may seem surreal, your professors are humans too. They attended college, went to parties, had sexual relations with co-eds and most likely smoked pot.

In the realm of Academia, the development of an intellectual’s mind is essential in the professional world of educators. What’s a better way to expand your mind than a tightly rolled number filled with medical cannabis while listening to Revolver?

Whether it’s a tenured professor who saw Frank Zappa in concert or a twenty-something Teacher’s Assistant, the fire burns the same.

They realize the truth when you show up to class five minutes late, rushing through the door in a frenzy, your face a shade whiter than normal, out of breath, still managing to find a seat in the back row to avoid any blood-shot eye contact with your professor. But they laugh in silence, a flashback to possible days of their stoned, college youth.

Wear Comfortable Clothes

Whether it be a size-too-big hoodie or sunglasses when it’s cloudy outside, what you wear can make you feel more comfortable about smoking weed before class.

You feel a sense of invisibility, a wall that separates your stoned self from the sober bodies that meaninglessly pass you by. But you feel good, you feel confident now that you believe no one knows your face feels like melting butter.

If you’re the type of stoner who wants everyone to know that you are, in fact, a stoner, then pick one of the twenty tie-dyes that you have stuffed in your dresser, put on your corduroy pants and listen to a live Phish bootleg.

Do Not Get Too Baked 

In life, what you do must be handled in moderation. If you go full-throttle all the time, often the simplistic pleasures you’ve come to enjoy become monotonous. Such is the case with smoking pot everyday, particularly before class.

You don’t want to be “that kid” whose head constantly droops down from tiredness every four minutes, or the kid whose belongings are all over the place. People pick up on these behaviors, and you better believe they are passing judgment. It’s college, what do you expect?

The way to avoid getting too baked, while at the same time getting your proper medication is simple: Don’t smoke more than you can handle.

A heavy rip from your glass water pipe, or a toke from the blunt should suffice. There is no need to smoke excessively before attending a lecture or lab. That can wait for later in the night, when you’re sitting at home on your worn-out couch, South Park on the TV.

Enjoy the Extra Creativity

The same rules apply for English and History majors as it does for Business and IT majors: Smoking pot will enhance your creative mindset and approach with your studies.

You become more engaged with the topics being lectured, ambition to gain knowledge you may have passed over if you weren’t so intrigued and ultimately strive for the best outcome you can personally produce.

When you smoke before class, you always have your upcoming assignments written down. Not just in your notebook, but on another piece of paper, and in your notes app on your phone. People may think stoners are forgetful, but there are certain things that while stoned you make sure there is no chance in overlooking. A balanced mind sparks creativity curiosity.

The satisfaction of knowing you got all A’s in a semester is especially gratifying.

Knowing you did so while highly medicated on some serious Colorado indoor helps you reach another level of fulfillment. You feel triumphant, Zeus-like.

You have conquered yet another collegiate course, while at the same time staying true to your early-morning routine of bong hits and Creedence Clearwater Revival.

You stimulate your mind, releasing the creative energy that’s been bottled up inside your ever-expanding consciousness. You learn more about yourself by smoking pot everyday before class, engaging the depths of your mind. You challenge and question yourself, think about your interests and what bores you, and you make adjustments to accommodate your everyday life.

You may think this is problematic because of the legality of cannabis and the ridiculous marijuana prohibition we find ourselves in today. But I can guarantee that the benefits and rewards of indulging in this earthly pleasure surpass any feelings of doubt you may have, and it’s a lot healthier than any pharm-pill enhancer.

The slight edge you feel walking into class stoned like a Northern California kid in the late 60’s, elevates your interest in academics and your ability to learn, study and better yourself for the present and future. Blaze on.