A Series of Precautionary Tales
If you’re looking quick pick-me-up, remember: The closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm.
By Olivia W. McCoy, University of Georgia
Spring is upon us.
The time has come for college students, filled with hope for the imminently approaching end, to emerge from their caffeine-induced delirium and partake in the ways of the world.
Spring, the time for warmth. Spring, the time for joy. Spring, the time for love, and love it will inexorably bring.
There is a certain beauty to love, in the closeness that two people share. It’s inspiring, unique—love ravishes the soul and fills the world with all things good—everyone loves love. But at this moment I am bitter.
I am bitter not because I’m unsatisfied with my own love affair or because I’m heartbroken that he lives on the other side of the country. I am bitter because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to go anywhere or do anything on this damn campus without running into the lewd and licentious behaviors of mating season—and I mean the act of running into them quite literally.
Even when I’m not actually forced to walk in on such scandals, I’m still subjected to the unsaid laws of college debauchery. Recently, I discovered that some spots I had assumed were just generic places in the concrete jungle of modern day actually have quite a salacious reputation.
Following my experiences, I’ve come to believe that immediately upon arriving on campus for freshman orientation—all innocently bright eyed and bushy tailed might I add—students should be given a legible and comprehensive map guide to the unknown “wonders” of the college concrete jungle.
And so I have put together a version of my own for you today.
1. Bell Towers
Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re looking for a quiet place to study, any form of protruding steeple is not what you want—this includes but is not limited to—clock and bell towers, astronomy spires, any type of belfry etc. etc.
Think realistically here. If your dorm room is taken by your roommate and you want to have a romantic evening with a girl, take her to this remote part of the building, with its close quarters and breathtaking view of the grounds, and then make your move. They’ll be so surprised by the picturesque panorama in front of them that they won’t care that literally anyone could walk in on them at any moment in time.
And it’s not even their fault if they are interrupted. We, the victims of the accidental voyeurism, are to blame for being dumb enough not to recognize that this is an obvious hot spot for all breeding purposes.
2. Parking Decks
There’s no way I could have known about this one.
One weekend, I was giving my guy friend a ride to campus. We reached the public parking deck and I immediately drove up to the top level where there’s less risk of getting hit by irresponsible drivers entering or exiting the building and you get a great view in the process.
I shake my head at my former naiveté.
“Uhm, Liv?” my completely platonic pal paused, “I don’t actually think of you that way. And don’t you have a boyfriend anyway?”
Confusion, shock, a little insulted if I’m being honest.
Apparently people park on the top floor to hookup. Whoops.
It appears that students are too lazy to walk up the four flights of stairs to the top level to retrieve their car, which, lucky for the impatient, leaves plenty of empty space for those horny Hondas to make do.
My friend is still very cautious around me to this day.
3. Secluded Top Floor Bathrooms in Busy Buildings
The student center is a constantly bustling and occupied building at all times of the day, so you’d think you’d be safe here. Well think again.
Using that secluded bathroom on the top floor that no one ever goes to is not going to give you privacy.
You see, because it’s a frequently visited building, all the bathrooms get cleaned in detail daily. BUT, because it’s on the top floor and all the action is on the lowers levels, it’s just secluded enough to get away with a quick makeout session—and you don’t even have to be quiet about it because there’s no one to hear you!
Or at least that’s what I assume these people thought while they were going at it. Little did they know that if any unsuspecting freshmen happen to wander up to the top of the stairs, their raspy gorilla sounds weren’t quite as inaudible as they believed them to be.
4. Midnight Showers
I mean, c’mon. You’ve got to be kidding me right? I can’t even take a shower anymore! Dorm halls are awkward enough without the added fear of encountering male genitalia at your most visually vulnerable.
Picture it, you’re walking to the bathroom, wrapped in the dog towel you were able to swipe from your parent’s place, no makeup, hair in a greasy mess from a long-ass study session and then suddenly BAM! You’re greeted with a dick at the door.
This is college, people. Nobody goes to bed before 12am anymore. Adjust your sex schedules accordingly.
Funny story—my first week of living in a dorm I was too afraid to shower before 4am because after having such an experience, I couldn’t be sure whether the clump on the community shower wall was conditioner or not.
What happened to common decency people?! And if we’re going to be so bold as to flaunt our procreating to the world, could you at least give us a warning? At then I would’ve had some way of evasion and could have possible graduated unscarred, but alas.
So all of you oblivious out there such as myself: Take this advice to heart. Keep my list of blackout spots close at hand so that you don’t end up as I did. Bitter and utterly afraid.
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