Don’t Go Bacon My Heart
It’ll be the most important meal of his life.
By Tatianna Salisbury, Northern Illinois University
I’m going to level with you—dating me is pretty damn challenging.
I’m high maintenance, but think I’m low maintenance. I’m wildly successful for my age, which intimidates most men. Not to mention when I write about myself, it reads as self-obsessed and snobby. Trust me, I’m not. As my ex pointed out, it’s a defense mechanism to combat my crippling self-esteem issues.
Bottom line: I’m difficult, but I think it’s best to let people know upfront, rather than waiting months into the relationship to reveal your true psychopathic nature. Recently, I was thinking about my past relationships, more specifically my first dates. I’m not a hopeless romantic, but I am hopeless when it comes to understanding how to romance someone. I stumble over my words, bash my exes way too much and reveal extremely personal information. He doesn’t need to know I almost cut my toe off in second grade…dammit, Tatianna, hold it together.
Over my six years of superior dating experience, I find one thing remains a universal truth—breakfast is the best choice for a first date. I would take pancakes over a Cobb salad any day. However, some might find themselves in a jam when it comes to deciding the first date venue, but donut worry. Rather than scramble your brain with puns any further, here are the reasons why I always go to breakfast on the first date.
I hate the dinner-date pressure.
Dinner dates can be easily ruined if your day sucked. I made plans to go on a date at 7 p.m. and throughout the course of the day, I crashed into a mailbox, my dog got sick and my Netflix queue erased itself. Lemme tell ya, the struggle was fucking real.
I went to my date agitated and pissed at the world, but that shouldn’t have been his problem. However, by starting your day with a date, you don’t have to deal with all the other shit. You can sit back, relax and enjoy each other’s company.
I am incredibly cute while eating breakfast.
Self-indulgent subheading aside, I look as cute as a damn buttermilk biscuit while enjoying a Saturday morning omelet and vanilla latte. I think there’s something so adorable about sitting across the booth from someone, watching them butter their toast as you add creamer to your coffee. It’s sweet, innocent and just quirky enough to render some candid Instagram posts.
I am always in the mood for a whole mess of breakfast.
I can be anything from hungover to horny and I’d still love me some whole-wheat toast and scrambled eggs. One might describe my breakfast obsession the same way they do my ambition—a little much.
It’s to the point that my anxiety sets in when given the choice between American fries or hash browns. However, I view my egg-eagerness as a good thing, because it means I’m always revved and ready to go for any morning meal.
I’m always more talkative in the morning, and so is he.
I’m a natural talker, but morning sunshine and orange juice make me extra bubbly. I’m awake, alert and ready for some quality conversation. Mornings offer a variety of conversation starters; talk about what your upcoming day looks like, what you’re excited for or what you’re dreading.
I’ve noticed the more upbeat I am, the more my date mirrors my behavior. My award-winning conversation starters include: “Are you a pancake person or a waffle person,” “I’ve never really understood the whole bacon and syrup thing, have you?” and my all-time favorite “Are you going to finish that?”
I don’t cringe when I see the bill.
I hate when people offer to pay for me. I understand they are trying to be polite, but I’m a twenty-first century woman with a salary; I can handle myself. However, I am still reasonable and don’t spend money on things or experiences I don’t think are worth it.
Dinner dates are copious with drinks, appetizers, entrees and desserts, most of which I’ve seen go unfinished. Breakfast is traditionally cheaper and features fewer add-ons, unless you’re my date that insisted on ordering only from the à la cart menu. He didn’t get a second date.
I don’t have time to wait around all day.
I’m a busy lady. Between a full-time job, being an editor for my college’s newspaper, my internship here at “Study Breaks” and binge watching “The Office,” my life is hectic.
I don’t have the time or patience to sit around, waiting and worrying about if I’m dressed fancy enough or have witty banter rehearsed. Breakfast is low-pressure and low-maintenance, meaning it can start early and not eat up a huge chunk of your day.
I’m not worried about ulterior motives.
Post-breakfast sex is not a thing. Unless you’re a waitress hooking up with your coworker between the early morning and brunch rush, you aren’t having sex that early.
With a late night date, there can be pressure to get drinks and go back to his place to “look at this tasteful album collection.” Typically, breakfast doesn’t involve large amounts of alcohol and sexual tension, unless you find mimosas and baggy sweaters especially enticing.
I can get creative on social media with #tagbrowns.
Don’t listen to the internet trolls that say breakfast dates mean the death of a relationship. Breakfast is quiet and intimate, far from boring and, did I mention, extremely delicious? Take some cute pictures of your food and do what I do—invent some bomb-ass hashtags to go along with them. I’m very proud of #avocadontstealmyman and #coffeebeforecocktails.
I suppose by now your mouth is watering at the thought of skillets and scramblers, but you can’t lose yourself in the celestial beauty of the breakfast cosmos. A first date isn’t the most important thing over the course of a relationship, but it does provide an opportunity to learn and share with another person. Sitting across the booth with hands clasped around steamy mugs of coffee, exchanging your worst exes stories while you wait for your food to arrive, is utter bliss.
The next time you get asked out, which I’m rooting for is extremely soon, throw on a pretty sundress and make reservations at the cute, family diner downtown. And if you don’t get asked out, go anyways. Breakfast is the shit.