It’s time the press secretary realizes his true calling and contacts Melissa McCarthy.
By Mary Kiser, Trident Technical College
The White House press secretary has an important job to do.
He’s supposed to explain Trump’s actions to the world, while in front of the president’s archenemy—the media. Clearly, Spicer has quite the challenge; after all, how can he explain Trump firing everyone from FBI Director James Comey to the White House usher?
Spicer is under pressure to perform, though unfortunately his performances have been the source of cheap entertainment. From his excuses to his excitement, the man is pure comedy. If he is ever a victim of Trump’s “You’re fired,” at least Spicer will have a comedic career waiting in the wings of watering holes and karaoke bars.
Here are five of his funniest moments, all of which have already given him a head start as a comedian.
1. Spicer Slips on a Banana Peel
When Trump appointed Michael Flynn, an anti-Semitic and Islamophobic racist, Spicer tried to blame Barack Obama for Flynn’s elevated position as a national security advisor. But, CNN correspondent Jim Acosta called Spicer out on his steaming pile of bull. “General Flynn came in with just the Obama administration vetting? Is that right? That doesn’t make any sense,” Acosta said.
How did Spicer respond? With stern stares and high-pitched squeaks. His constipated facial expressions and fervent intonation were there for comedic reprieve, though. According to “Uproxx,” Spicer tried to explain that the Obama White House cleared Flynn, and as a result he was treated like anyone else with security clearance.
Flynn was involved in his own scandals, so the fact that Spicer put the blame on someone credible simply made him and the Trump administration look extra fallible. The situation is tragicomic.
2. Spicer Night Live
Melissa McCarthy has to be one of the funniest female comedians alive. When she first appeared in the raunchy, romantic comedy “Bridesmaids,” the world fell in love. Whether she was sweet-talking an FBI agent on a plane or shitting in a sink, people were wrapped around her finger. Her roles were just the beginning, though.
McCarthy received the same amount of enthusiasm on “SNL,” the slapstick series that gave her a promising métier as Spicer’s doppelgänger. Her skits went so well that she made Spicer look like a knockoff version of himself. He had hit an all-time low, so he had to make his feelings known.
“‘SNL’ used to be really funny. There’s a streak of meanness now that they’ve crossed over to mean,” Spicer told “Entertainment Tonight.” In other words, a woman bested him at his own job, and she’s a full-time jester for a living. No wonder the press secretary was so upset.
3. Russian the Punch Line
At another press conference, Spicer was forced to respond to journalists, who were in need of the “facts” he was trying to bury. When April Ryan, an American Urban Radio Networks (AURN) correspondent, asked him about Trump and Putin’s possible involvement, Spicer let his freak flag fly, but in a bad way. He was pissed.
“I’ve said it from the day that I got here…there is no connection. You’ve got Russia! If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow, that’s a Russian connection. I appreciate your agenda here. Hold on. At some point, report the facts,” he said.
He was upset that Ryan was asking what Americans were thinking. The nation is still waiting on answers that Spicer has failed to provide, and instead of providing them, he has only offered a bevy of nonsense excuses. “The facts are what they are. At some point, April, you’re going to have to take ‘no’ for an answer with respect to whether or not there was collusion,” he said.
But, what are the facts? Spice kids way too much.
4. Holocaust Centers
Chelsea Handler was the prominent talk-show host of “Chelsea Lately,” but now she spends her time on other late-night programs, like “Conan.” Though she and Spicer are polar opposites, she still has an opinion on the press secretary.
When Spicer displayed just how ignorant and insensitive he was to the horrors of the Holocaust, he hit a new kind of rock bottom. He referred to Nazi concentration camps as “Holocaust centers,” as if victims of such inhumane conditions were staying at a bed and breakfast. No matter how many times he apologized, he deserved to be roasted.
In an appearance on “Conan,” Handler expressed her incredulity at his remarks. “He can’t possibly be that stupid naturally,” she said. The horrors of WWII are no laughing matter, and the subject’s touchy at best. After all, no one wants to talk about the depravity of mankind.
But, if people talk about the Holocaust, in particular, then they provide what Spicer constantly demands—the “facts” of genocide. Like the students of the high school he spoke to, Spicer should’ve prepped with notecards. He only made himself look like a blathering idiot.
Forget about diplomas. Hand the man his dunce cap.
5. Spicing up the Truth
Spicer has narrated tired, worn-out plots aplenty, but his shtick’s getting old. He needs to retire, like yesterday, but unfortunately the man may just be an American staple of stupidity for the next four years. Until he’s no longer a talking head, people should at least know the blatant lies that ole Spice has spread.
Thankfully, CNN had no problem stating the facts. They characterized him in a recent, scathing article:
“Parroting Trump, he blatantly, wildly inflated the crowd size at the inauguration. He presented a Pew study as evidence of Trump’s claim that millions of people voted illegally (there is no such study). He said that the executive order the president signed, which banned people from some Muslim nations from entering the United States, was not a ban, though Trump himself has called it one.”
Spicer should give up his career, so he can better hone his underlying talent of storytelling. He’s gifted at not only brandishing whoppers, but he’s also funny. As much as he plays the role of a professional, he knows that deep down, he’s a performer. He belongs on stage, but not as a press secretary. Time to quit lying to America, and yourself, Spicer.