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Regardless of how you feel about stalking, lying and blackmailing, your perfect schedule depends on them.

Four Sociopathic Things You’ll Have to Do During Registration

Let the Registration Games Begin

Regardless of how you feel about stalking, lying and blackmailing, your perfect schedule depends on them.

By Olivia W. McCoy, University of Georgia


There are very few times when actions such as these are acceptable.

Actually, let me rephrase that: There is only one period in a person’s life when actions such as these are acceptable, and that time is the registration wrestle.

At least twice a year students are forced to lube up and slip into the academic ring, from which only the most experienced brawlers will emerge with faultless schedules.

In order to cull together an enviable class list though, you have to do things that you would normally never be allowed to. These guerilla tactics aren’t optional though—they’re required.

1. Online Stalking

Putting together a schedule is a painstakingly intricate art. Not only do you have to find classes that you might actually show up to, but then you have to weave them together into a coherent timetable.

No one wants to relive that one semester that requires a sudden POOF and materialization across campus in a ten-minute interval.

It’s just not happening.

On top of all that, you have to find a professor that won’t kill your GPA with grading or you with heaps of tedious work. And so, we once again flee to the internet.

Sure, there’s ratemyprofessor.com and other such teacher review sites, but you don’t get to REALLY know potential teachers that way, which explains why you must become a social profile prowler and obsess over potential professors like they’re your high school sweetheart after a breakup.

Do they have a Twitter account? What does it mean if they don’t? What does it mean if they DO?

Why would they post that picture? Does having a tattoo mean that they’re more lenient with creative projects?

Is that their wife/husband? Do they have kids? If they have kids, does that mean that they’ll sympathize more with our workload and be flexible with deadlines? Or will they constantly compare us with their genius son and get frustrated when our work doesn’t add up? Are they really that cute in real life?—all the important questions.

2. Real Life Stalking

God himself has reached down and shown you sympathy by presenting the perfect class. With its sleep-in approved time, lack of strenuous studying and haggle-friendly professor, it is a truly beautiful class.

It’s good, great actually—too good to be true. You tear up just thinking about it. But while waiting for your registration time slot, you notice that the class roster begins to fill up, and fast.

Your godlike schedule is compromised! It’s time to do what a desperate college student must in perilous times like these: suck up to the professor.

It’s not enough to just go to their office and express interest in their class. No, you have to make sure that they remember you and like you enough to possibly open up a spot if it comes down to that. So here’s what happens: You go to their office and talk to them.

Then, after memorizing their schedule, you make sure to bump into them regularly and complement their outfit or bring up a book that (surprise surprise) just happens to be on their syllabus for the next semester.

Maybe you happen to have their favorite candy to share or the barista “accidentally” made you two drinks and coincidentally you two like the same kind of coffee.

Your shameless smarminess is disgusting, but entirely necessary.

3. Bad Mouthing

When pre-registration brown-nosing doesn’t work, you’re going to have to secure your seat by convincing others to drop the class, which entails starting rumors about the professor or the class itself. The worse it looks, the better your chances are.

Find your fellow majors and innocently ask, “What classes are you all looking to sign up for?” while logging the faces and names of people that mention your desired class. Then the real work begins.

Did you know that most of his students failed last semester? I heard the class has lots of papers and projects. I wouldn’t touch that class with a ten foot pole.

What a waste of an elective, am I right? Yeah, no, I read their ratemyprofessor review as well, but when you actually talk to former students they discredited the candy before tests rumor. Damn shame.

In order to guarantee yourself a spot in the class, try to reach as many people as possible with your slander. As your blatant lies set in, you may realize that even that might not be enough.

4. The Black Market

Who would have guessed that the most immoral trading in college happens during course registry? When your ideal class is full, make sure to snap up whatever interesting subjects are left. These will be your bartering tools.

Now, imagine the trading room of the stock market. Dangerous crowds pushing and shoving, trying to scream over each other, waving tickets (or in this case, course descriptions) to an auctioneer running the show. Now imagine all this online.

This may be the one thing in this article that I’m not exaggerating.

Once you’ve sidled up to an unsuspecting student that has your perfect schedule, begin the unsolicited trade.

First, employ the tall tales you previously told until they’re convinced they’ve made a mistake. Then talk up one of the classes you managed to snag but don’t want. Conveniently offer to take that burden off their hands and graciously offer what you have instead.

Be sure that the deal goes down before you leave. You don’t want them to change their minds and—unless you’re in Texas—a verbal agreement means nothing. Don’t let up until that lecture is firmly secured in your electronic registry.

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