Nice Guys: Finishing Last and Enjoying Every Second of It

If you’re complaining that nice guys finish last, your problem probably isn’t that your too nice for her.

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If you’re complaining that nice guys finish last, your problem probably isn’t that your too nice for her.

Nice Guys: Finishing Last and Enjoying Every Second of It

The Complaining Race

If you’re complaining that nice guys finish last, your problem probably isn’t that your too nice for her.

By Mallory Arnold, Ohio University


“Nice guys finish last.”

Unfortunately for nice guys, a seriously misguided stereotype has led men to believe that girls walk around waiting to hop on the back of any jerk’s motorcycle as long as he treats them like cat litter and make them buy his cigarettes. Because thats every girls dreamboat.

But here’s something fun: life is not like those musical movies set in the 50s. It’s 2016 and we’re not 13 years old. Boys who call us names at recess and put bugs in our hair are no longer lusted after. Girls appreciate a man who treats her with respect and won’t diss her because she’s kind. Check out this “Nice Guys Finish Last” song for elucidation.

Yes, there are some ladies out there who fall into the snares of the Barney Stinsons and the Joey Tribianis, but just let them be. They’ll come to realize that respect is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. And if they don’t, then just let them do their thing, OK?

Guys, we get it: You just put your heart out there, she denied you, it’s rough. You become angry and sad at the same time, like when your little sister made you watch Frozen.

You want to rant on Twitter, stalk her on Facebook and send nasty messages via Google+. (Why do you have Google+?)

But first of all, fellas, know that you’re not the only guy who’s ever treated a girl well, and just because you were good to her doesn’t give you the right to take her home. (By the way, this goes both ways. Sometimes a girl will misinterpret a boy’s polite friendliness as flirting and become infatuated, immediately beginning a list of pet names.)

Secondly, just because she says “no” doesn’t mean she’s a bitch or that she only goes for jerks; it just means “no.” Since when did such a small word become so difficult for people to digest? We’ve all said no to someone at one point or another and watch them wrinkle their nose and spit out, “What do you mean no?”

Uh, I mean no.

Here’s the thing about guy friends: They’re there for you when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on, and they’re are always down to play video games. Always.

But amongst all the apples in the bunch, there’s always a few—Ok no, I’m not gonna accuse a human person of being a rotten piece of fruit, that’s mean—there are a few that might not have the best intentions.

You may think you’re just palling around together on those amazing Ikea bean bag chairs, but listen closely and you’ll hear rustling as he stalks you in the tall grass, waiting to pounce the minute you have a moment of weakness. While you think that you have a good thing going, he’s thinking he can chip away at the friend zone with kindness.

In a study done by the JSPR (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships), 88 pairs of opposite-sex friends were tested and questioned on how both genders experience the same friendship. Guess what happened.

Men were much more attracted to their female friends, though the feelings were not reciprocated. Also, they were more likely than women to think their opposite-sex friend was attracted to them, when in actuality she was not.

As this anonymous (but seemingly very irritated) author testifies, guy friends are tired of being friends if they’re not getting any action in the deal. Which makes total sense. Like, being there emotionally for a friend is such a bother when you’re not getting any ass in the process, right? Why give me the gift of your presence when I won’t put out for you?

Excuse me, I need to go barf a lot.

What it boils down to is that if you go around waving your red, white and “boo hoo” flag singing about how nice you are, you’re not a “nice guy.” You’re just a weird jerk.

You don’t fool us with your insistent protests; we’re not oblivious as to what “nice” is. Nice guys are everywhere—nice people are everywhere. Humans are innately good. Being polite and kind shouldn’t make you stand out—those are like the lowest common denominator character traits.

Consequently, girls need to stop saying There are no nice guys out there, and guys need to get rid of that Nice guys finish last sentiment. Both statements are absolutely ridiculous. We need to stop trying to give CPR to a phrase that was never alive in the first place. It’s like resuscitating a dirty mop. Yeah, people might laugh at first, but eventually everyone is going to start think you’re crazy. (And no, I will not use the expression “Beating a dead horse” because the visual horrifies me).

Stop throwing yourself a pity party because one girl rejected you. Get up and move on. Stop using that excuse to pout.

If dating was a race, then yeah, “nice guys” would probably finish last, but that’s only because mid-race they would probably stop, look around and ask why they’re running. Then they would drop out of whatever race it that they’re in and begin trying to actually enjoy life. Meanwhile, their competitors, the love-crazed men whose skewed concept of relationships keeps them running, will cross the finish line, “win” the race and realize that there’s nothing waiting for them but a fist-full of confetti.

Have fun with that.

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