German Movies Get the Jizz of College Life

Wetlands taught me that people may have had sex on any surface that you can sit on. Any surface.

By Mikala Everett, Texas State University


Ah college, the late-adolescent den of drugs, sex, stress and strange bodily fluids.

What most people fail to realize is that college is very similar to contemporary German film. Well, the ones not relating to Hitler or World War II—they obviously feel pretty bad about that because they make so many movies about it, like a lot. But enough about German guilt, here are three movies that define what it means to be a college student.

1. “Schlussmacher” or “Break Up Man”

This is the second German film I have watched in my whopping nineteen years on this godforsaken planet and it was quite pleasant. The plot entails Paul, a break up man/person, doing his job—which is breaking people up.

An unhappy and heartless individual would call the agency, request for someone to break up with their significant other and hopefully die a painful death, or at least step on a shit-ton of Legos. Hiring someone else to do the break up for you—pure, unaltered, evil.

Schlussmacher or Break Up ManOf course, one of the break ups doesn’t go as planned and Paul is stuck with sad, in-denial-but-loving Toto. They go on a journey, become besties, drink lattes, and Paul deals with his commitment issues, yadda, yadda, ya.

Before I get into how this movie is like college, I must, I MUST, speak on how unbelievably gorgeous Paul, that is Matthias Schweighöfer, is.

Oh my, my, my. What a perfect specimen of human that man is. Such golden luxurious hair, such beautiful blue eyes and those dimples! Mmm.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Picture this: You’ve had a bad experience with a roommate your first year. She/he left you destitute, heartbroken, and with no more fruit snacks. You don’t know if you will ever be able to trust again, but unbeknownst to you there are forces working against/in your favor.

You begin the new school year with determination shining in your eyes. You don’t care about a new roommate—just getting that 4.0—so you throw yourself into your work and don’t look back.

Along comes a Toto-like creature that oddly resembles your roommate and you find yourself opening up. You begin to trust again and you guys start drinking lattes together effectively sealing your friendship.

That’s pretty much the whole plot to Schlussmacher. You’re welcome.

2. Mostly Martha

This film bears a resemblance to family relations while away at school. Martha, a cook in a fancy-schmancy restaurant, suddenly has to take care of her young niece who’s mother died in a tragic accident. They learn how to love and live with each other after the loss of a mother and a sister.

Both Lina (the niece) and Martha are relatable figures in the movie. It can be extremely difficult to be away from family, especially if you happen to actually like them.

Martha’s dedication to her craft makes her lose sight of her family, and how important it is. The same can be said for when you finally get comfortable in school, and you get into the groove of doing your own thing. Picking up the phone to talk to family members can be pushed to the wayside as you become distracted by college life.

This movie tells us how important our familial relationships are, and why it wouldn’t hurt to pick up the phone and call mom—about something other than asking for money.

3. Wetlands

Wetlands is a filthy, disgusting movie and I have somehow watched it five or so times. The main character, Helen, accidentally creates an anal fissure while shaving and plots to reunite her divorced parents during her stay at the hospital.

There are plenty of disgusting scenes throughout the movie— Helen sharing bloody tampons with her best friend, Helen dreaming about multiple pizza guys jizzing on her pizza and collecting the dried semen of her sex partners—to name a few.

If my mother knew I watched this movie, she would be so ashamed and horrified. But what she doesn’t know is this: Wetlands is hilarious.

I’m not positive that it’s meant to be funny, because the deeper message of the movie has to do with generations of mental illness—but you know, to each his own.

I don’t know if you’re aware but college is hella gross. Whether you live on or off campus you’re bound to cross paths with a used condom, dripping with fresh fluids, at some point of your stay.

People may have had sex on any surface you sit on.

Any. Surface.

Just like Helen, there are some folks that are always down to do some drugs, all the drugs. They smoke the Tylenols, snort the marijuanas and drink the acids.

Helen makes her body a living science experiment, reveling in bad hygiene. There are others who also seem to be experimenting for whatever reason. I’m talking about you, Susan, I know you haven’t taken a shower in two weeks.

In the end, Helen realizes that her parents are not going to get back together, freeing her from her childish ways. She also falls in love with her nurse Robin and therefore stops shoving avocado seeds up her vagina.

German films are the pinnacle of quality entertainment, at least in my eyes. The filmmakers have a knack for having the most unrealistic scenarios seem somewhat plausible.

They have led me to believe that if I drive off the side of a concrete bridge and my car luckily gets suspended by telephone wires, I will, obviously, survive. Also, any boy that I jerk off in the public park in broad daylight will gladly allow me to take his photo while he orgasms. Why would he have a problem with that?

While the majority of us may not look like the carved-from-heavenly-marble Matthais Schweighöfer, we can all aspire to be better college students and humans based off these films.

Have fun watching these super plausible, totally safe for work movies. You wouldn’t want to miss out on all the fun right?