Grandma’s Hood Christmas

Hood by error.

By Mikala Everett, Texas State University

Ah, Christmas. Unlike the other uber-commercialized Hallmark Holidays, Christmas holds a special place in the playlists of our hearts.

Christmas music has the magic to heal familial rifts about who gets to pour the eggnog and whether or not grandpa is to blame for lighting the Christmas tree on fire. Again.

Somewhere around October 1st, folks catch the Christmas bug and began to unceasingly play Christmas music until December 25th. We get to experience a whole three months of nonstop joy, merriment and good tidings.

Luckily, Christmas is upon us and my fragile soul has to suffer no more. I count myself as a member of the Grinch community, but in reality I’m a poser.

I roll my eyes at Christmas shopping and pretend that spending time with family makes me gag, but I low-key love Christmas.

I have spent years crafting my apathetic veneer because admitting out loud that I love the holiday season would destroy my street cred.

I have no beef with classical Christmas music, though. I’m always waiting, itching, for the moment that it’s permissible for me to burst into a Christmas hymnal. I welcome carolers to my home with open arms, always making sure that they want for nothing.

If they have a thirst that needs to be quenched, I have water. If they are craving something sweet, I’ll make them some cookies. If there is a gaping hole in their hearts where a child should be, they can have my firstborn.

My issue with Christmas music arises when people decide to play those other types of Christmas music.

For instance, I really do not understand why Christmas Pop is a thing, much less exists. If I wanted to listen to Michael Buble warble out a song, I prefer it to be one he wrote, or most likely someone else wrote for him.

But, Christmas Pop is in no way as terrible as all the other Spotify endorsed Christmas playlists. For a reason unbeknownst to me, there’s an unnecessary Christmas playlist for almost every genre.

There’s a Folksy Christmas playlist, for everyone who can’t get enough banjo music every other time of the year.

An Indie Christmas playlist, because someone will surely miss the soft-voiced talking that indie musicians dare to call singing.

The Rock Christmas playlist will satisfy those satanic, devil-worshipping urges we all get around this time of year.

And there’s no need for me to even touch on the Country Christmas playlist because country music is terrible to begin with and anyone who would willingly listen to such a playlist is someone I never want to associate with. I hope they have fun burning in hell with Luke Bryan.

But last and definitely least is Hip Hop Christmas music.

What I want to know is who, in the name of all that is holly, is listening to this?

Are the Christmas classics not thug enough? Why, oh why, did artists like Kanye West, Eazy-E, Snoop Dogg and Run-D.M.C. dare diminish their street cred in this incredibly painful way? I don’t even know how to properly express the bewilderment that is currently eating me alive.

To my amazement, there is a Ying-Yang Christmas song titled Ho Ho Ho-Dirty Christmas. I was physically aching listening to that crap-storm of a song.

My chest was tightening in a way that I was very sure would produce a heart attack yet, I couldn’t help but want to “trampoline that booty.”

No one should be shaking what their momma gave them come Christmas time. Christmas, underneath all the commercialism and corporate greed, is about family and tradition.

So, unless it’s a tradition in your family to have a twerking contest with grandma while decorating the tree, this Hip Hop Christmas nonsense needs to stop.

That Spotify Playlist is a blight on humanity. It’s a sin. The Westboro Baptist Church is wasting their time going after those “terrible gays.” They should be focused on coming for these horrendous Hip Hop Christmas songs. I’m positive the Big Guy upstairs is more troubled by these songs than two humans loving one another.

Let’s take a moment to pause, look at and decipher the song titles of the Spotify Hip Hop Christmas playlist.

Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmasbecause just saying Merry Christmas isn’t hood enough.

A Pimp’s Christmas Song because pimps need a Christmas song too.

Ballin’ on Xmasif you don’t ball now, will you ever?

A Christmas Fucking Miracle– because Christmas is a fucking miracle, yo.

And Ludacrismas which I’m guessing is another last ditch effort by Ludacris to establish some sort of relevancy. Give it up, Luda, it’s over.

The most amusing aspect of the Hip Hop Christmas playlist though, is that it has 14,360 followers.

14,360 people enjoyed this playlist so much that they followed it. 14,360 people like this. What is the world coming to?

I look forward to the day everyone can chill out with trying to re-imagine classics. Classics are classics for a reason, and the last thing we need is Snoop Dogg bringing a “hood” perspective to Silent Night.

All that would entail is a couple of gunshots and then it would truly be a silent night. Well, until the blare of police siren’s ruins that aesthetic.

The holiday season can be a very trying time of year, and if people vibe with their families to any of these stupefying Christmas genres, then more power to them.

After all, spending time with friends and family is more important than whatever background music is accompanying the insulting remarks from family members.

In the most creepy way possible, I see you when you’re sleeping and I know when you’re listening to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You. I’ll be watching and I’ll be thinking, “Oh ye of little taste.”

Bah Humbug.