With Halloween approaching fast and leaving faster, we are left with Thanksgiving (the reject holiday), Christmas (or Hanukah, or Scientology, whatever you're into), and the New Year (AKA the night you'll have no one to kiss at midnight, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!). Tis the season of gifts. Gifts of awkward conversations with distant family members. Gifts of painful christmas cards of families, accompanied with long, drawn-out, letters about how their lives are better than yours. Oh, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel........... Bailey's and Eggnog (I never said the light had anything to do with skinny jeans). So sip on your roofies and/or Baileys laced eggnog and read the SINGLE'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE SEASON, all in just 3 simple steps (#alliteration).
1. And none for Gretchen Weiners, BYYYEEE
You being Gretchen Weiners in this scenario. You don't have a boyfriend, nor christmas presents from him, BUT you DO have Instagram. And Facebook. And 24/7 access to mobile uploads of other peoples' presents, YAY! But, my friend, have you never seen Clueless??? Did it not teach you anything?? Cher sent herself flowerz. SHE SENT HERSELF FLOWERS.
If you become desperate enough, go ahead. Order yourself a candy gram. Mail yourself some desperate gurl roses, smack a filter on it, and upload it with a caption something to the effect of "OMG SECRET CHRISTMAS ADMIRER????" or just a simple mysterious "<3". Something to make all your followers think you're not as lonely, desperate, and unwanted as you really are...... :>
2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
It doesn't matter if it's your birthday or not, because now it is. On those times when you are feeling PARTICULARLY lonely and desperate, there is only one thing to do. Mark Zuckerberg made the birthday date on Facebook adjustable for a reason. So your lonely ass could get attention from the social sphere when you're in need. EVERYONE likes you on your birthday. It doesn't matter if your birthday already happened this year, where there's a Facebook alert, there is a dumb ass to wish you happy birthday (am now fully expecting no one to wish me happy birthday next year). So no, there is no significant other to whisper happy holidays in your ear, BUT FRET NOT. 200 OF YOUR CLOSEST FB BUDZ WILL WISH YA HAPPY BDAY.
3. Happy christmas, Ron!!!!!
Helllllooooo Harry Potter marathon!! What better way to distract from yourself how tragic you are than by shoving hours and hours of Harry Potter in front of your face???? So while all your long term relationship friends are off on their dates to expensive restaurants exchanging gifts, you can watch Ron and Hermione pretend they don't like each other, Harry pretend he is a foot taller, and lastly, you pretend you're happy being alone on a Saturday night :) IT'S GONNA BE A WILD BUTTER BEER OF A TIME! While you're at it, go ahead and throw in He's Just Not That Into You Â in the movie marathon, God knows we all need to see it. A few times. Some of us more than others BYE.