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TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES GETTING A DIVORCE! Oh--and Adele's preggers!

Posted by admin on Friday, June 29, 2012

Just sayinnnn'

In a perfect world--and perfect storm--the reason for this divorce would have been because it was Mr. Mission Impossible himself that knocked up our Grammy-winning girl Adele, causing Katie I'm-not-sure-what-she-does-anymore Holmes to scoop up the ever-stylish Suri and bounce.

Sadly, no such celebrity shit show occurred and, like their indirectly proportional pair (or maybe it's proportional--I'm no math major, kids) Demi and Ashton, Katie and Tom are splitting for reasons completely unrelated to big-voiced British babes. The true method behind Katie's move to file for divorce from the Cruisemeister is unknown. (And totalllllly doesn't have ANYTHING to do with those homoerotic beach volleyball scenes in Top Gun, swearzies.)

Really though, this is JUST like when Katie broke up with Dawson...

Except, ya know, this is "real" life. And Dawson is actually straight. (And actually I never watched Dawson's Creek, so I really don't know if that ever happened or even if they ever dated but Dawson always looks so goddamn mopey so i'm assuming it has something to do with Katie's character...or maybe someone's screwing with the water levels his creek...I digress. Damn you, Van Der Beek.)

All in all, I'd say it's quite a fortunate coincidence that while Tom and Katiekins were planning their separation, Adele's eggs and some mysterious sperm were simultaneously uniting, in turn putting Hollywood at good news/bad news equilibrium. CRISIS AVERTED.

And though I'm not sure what the reason is for this sudden split, I havvvve heard that a certain talk show host's couch is PISSSSED that it was disrespected (and trampled) so badly for a measly 5-year marriage.

Oprah's ass groove hasn't been the same since.

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