I ran into a situation today. I was in the 20 items or less checkout line at the local ghetto Walmart, when I noticed two particularly attractive guys standing in front of me. One of them was wearing light blue scrubs, the other hunting camo. It was at that exact moment, I realized it: I could not for the life of me decide which one was hotter. I have since then spiraled into an uncontrollable spiritual warfare, going back and forth, up and down, in my brain, will-n0t-rest-until-I-come-upon-a-decision type of thing #ihaveproblems #ohandnolife. I tweeted it, asking my followers to decide what they think. I updated my Facebook status, asking all my *fanz* what they thought. I texted my mom, asking her opinion. I have essentially bent over backwards, and am now writing a blog on the issue at hand.
Is anyone else as obsessed with Travis Stork as I am????
I have no idea who this fine specimen is, BUT HE'LL DO.
Well, as you might have already concluded, I have taken the liberty of over-analyzing this for everyone, so now all you have to do is sit back, read, and then form your own opinion. Because surely this will be a question/topic on the presidential voting ballot of 2012.
Scrubs is an intelligent, caring, gentle, health-conscience, articulate, well-mannered guy. He has a natural instinct knowing what you really feel, when you really feel it, whether you say what you're feeling or not. He listens to you. He understands your problems and offers great advice, and goes out of his way to make things better. He does not and would NEVER smoke, dip, or drink too much. He drives an expensive sports car. He sends you flowers on Tuesday, just because it's Tuesday. Because A) he is rich, B) he is thoughtful, and C) wants to spoil you. You never have to worry about taking him as a plus one for you business dinner, because he always looks the part and has manners. He is totally presentable to your parents, and grandma totally has a crush on him. When you get period cramps, he can explain exactly what hormones are coursing through your bloated, disgusting body, and why you feel the way you do. He also knows the cure, and isn't embarrassed to buy your tampons. Because he has seen and done way worse. He is a doctor after all (let's go with brain surgeon OoOooOoo, $$$$$). He is a gentle, loving kisser. He holds your chin when he kisses you. You melt. Your friends are jealous. He is sweet. He smells like expensive cologne. He likes red wine. He thinks strip clubs are repulsive, and would only go if it was his best friend's bachelor party, and even then, he would ask your permission.
Is scrubs perfect? Is he the one? Should you start screaming like Buddy the elf, "I'M IN LOVE, I'M IN LOVE, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!!!!!!"
But wait... behind that perfect light blue facade, Scrubs is a flawed human being...
He is narcissistic. He is one of those ass holes at the gym who stares at himself and his biceps in the mirror when he works out. He only eats healthy things. He drinks Michelob Ultra when he parties hard with the boys on poker night. He is likely to criticize the pop tarts you put in the grocery basket, and recites all the partially hydrogenated trans fats, and the ever-evil red dye #40. He is a vegetarian. He went through a vegan phase, but couldn't do it. His eyes judge you when you order steak, or suggest a Jack in the Box run 4rth meal at 2 am. He is also jealous. He doesn't like it when you talk to guys. He looks through your phone. He works late hours. He doesn't want to go out and dance, he wants to stay in and read. He thinks your sister (who is a little skinnier than you) could stand to lose a few. You question that.
Ahh, once you were blind, but now you see. But wait, there is still hope for you and your Wedding board on Pinterest.
Camo is your man's man. He is rough around the edges, tough when it counts, and never backs out of a challenge to show off masculinity. He drives a really hot truck. He is the man that other men wish they were. Nothing is too gross, too out-of-reach, or too hard for him. He has a cool confidence, and would never be cocky. He is on the quiet side (I mean, hey, he doesn't want to scare the deer away), but that doesn't mean he is gentle. He is an aggressive dude, likely to pin you against the wall to kiss you type of guy. Camo makes you feel safe at night. If an intruder breaks in, you know that ass will be kicked and that you are protected. Camo is fun to go out with--a true partier. He likes beer (not the light kind) and whiskey. He doesn't like chasers. Camo makes you feel like a beautiful, dainty creature, even if you gained 10 pounds this year, and don't have make up on. He has a way of making you feel like Megan Fox anyway. He likes to watch immature comedy movies and TV with you and never makes you feel stupid. He smells like firewood, leather, musk, and some other manly scent that you can't exactly put your finger on. He can fix anything you break, and is always there to do the gross stuff like unclog your shower drain, kill the mice in the house, or clean the top of your fan blades because you can't reach. What. A. Guy.
BUT WAIT.... because even guys who unclog your shower drain are flawed.
He forgot is was your one year anniversary. You get your birthday presents late. He listens to you when you talk about the fight you had with your biffle, but you don't think he really getsÂ it, and he doesn't offer good advice to fix it. He doesn't understand your love for Michael Buble, Michael Jackson, or Frank Sinatra. He likes to party, but maybe tooooo much. You're the one who wants to be taken care of when drunk, not the other way around. You might question if it's bad that he parties with the boys more than stays in to watch chick flicks with you. He doesn't eat healthy. Ever. You nag him to quit smoking, but he is a man's man, and no one tells him what to do. You clean his bathroom, he gets it dirty again. He doesn't like to do the dishes either. You tell him you're mad about that, he doesn't really listen.
SO WHAT ARE ALL OF US GIRLS IN THIS WORLD, IN THE 20 ITEM OR LESS CHECKOUT LINE AT WALMART TO THINK??????? WHICH DO WE CHOOSE?????
Shout out to my mom right now, because after I texted her with my moral crisis, I got immediate paragraph by paragraph in-depth responses.
SO WHO IS HOTTER? SCRUBS OR CAMO? The answer is Channing Tatum. <3.
Tweet me what you think! @Sassy_Neal