Location

Russell Brand and Katy Perry Split

Posted by admin on Saturday, December 31, 2011

Well, a new celeb couple has split, and while it's sad that their divorce is my breakfast table reading, I mean, it's not quite shocking. An addiction-riddled past and an ultra-religious background don't jive in the long run, I suppose.

Awkwarrrrd

Even if you go all ape shit with your fantasyland India wedding.

And though this divorce didn't surprise me per se, it did bring to mind a few other infamous Hollywood marriages that didn't quite end with a happy ever after. Let's reminisce on a few...

 

1. BRAD PITT AND JENNIFER ANISTON:

One of the most notorious, this divorce didn't just divide assets; it divided households. The broken home resulted in broken friendships, and "Team Angelina" and "Team Jennifer" t-shirts were being sported around town long before Edward and Jacob were around.

All I can think about this break up is:

a. WTF how did Brad's adulterating (sorry--allegedly adulterating) ass get off scot-free while Angelina gets the flak because in between serving orphans and flying planes and adopting one of soon-to-be 54 (-ish) foreign children, she also managed to star in movies and be really hot. It's not her fault she's a badass--homeboy's the one who took the vows.

b. Jennifer really got the better end of the deal. Have you SEEN her body? It doesn't get much hotter than that, and try squeezing in those pilates while changing diapers for 7 or 8 or whatever children like...uhh...Brangelina's nanny does. Childcare--and childbirth--don't produce abs like Aniston's.

2. KIM KARDASHIAN AND KRIS HUMPHRIES

Well naturally they get points for longevity or...uhh..the lack thereof. I think they still deserve some credit, because while they might suck at being spouses, they clearly make damn good entrepreneurs. (Word on the street is most people pay thousands--don't GET paid millions--for their weddings. Who woulda thought?)

 3.  TOM CRUISE AND NICOLE KIDMAN

Forget it happened? Yeah, me too. I got distracted at some point when Tom was transitioning from    Oscar winner to uhh...Dawson's Creek. And although I AM fond of Mission Impossible and found the  whole jumping-on-Oprah's-couch thing semi-endearing, Nicole Kidman is...well, she's freaking  Nicole Kidman. Snooze you lose; Keith Urban, enjoy.

4. BRITNEY SPEARS AND KEVIN FEDERLINE

What we have here is a classic case of slumming. No...that's mean; in his prime, good ol' K-Fed was one hot piece of ass. (Now, in case you were wondering, he's a "celebrity" contestant on an Australian weight-loss show. Really--I've seen the commercials.) And I mean...Britney was downing a lot of KFC and going into public bathrooms barefoot or whatev, so maybe there was some correlation there...a bit of a dark phase. But it's BRITNEY MUH FUGGIN SPEARS. And if you produce songs like "Oops!...I Did It Again,"I'm a Slave 4 U" and "Toxic"--and when you've managed to stay on the scene for over a decade--you deserve recognition...and a sicker spouse.

5.. JESSICA SIMPSON AND NICK LACHEY 

This is the most painful divorce in my opinion because of the ease of post-split torture. To get over a break up, most babes watch The Notebook roughly 17 times, down 10-12 cartons of Ben and Jerry's and now...well...Facebook stalk the shit out of their ex and make their friends reassure them that babe who put the winky-face on his wall is totez hideous. Jessica may have downed the Ben and Jerry's (although def not during her Dukes of Hazzard phase), but she didn't need a social network or a Nicholas Sparks adaptation to torture herself; all she had to do was watch the DVD collection of her marriage, so kindly chronicled by MTV.

Because getting over someone wasn't hard enough already.

But anyways, cheers to both of them now, as they both have new relationships (that AREN'T being documented via reality TV), and Jessica's expecting a baby.

Now that's real.

So, BOTTOM LINE: Katy, Russell--divorce is going to suck ass. But if other celebrity couples have taught us anything, it's that you'll find someone else rich and famous within liiiiike the week. So buck up kids, because your next Hollywood honey is around the corner...

And probably cheating on their current partner as we speak.

 

 

Category:

Add comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.