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LIVEWRONG?!--New Accusations against Lance Armstrong

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Posted by admin on Thursday, June 14, 2012

Are Lance's arms...so strong...because of performance enhancers?! (Terrible)

NO TRIATHLON FOR YOU!

(For some reason, I imagine if the World Triathlon Corporation had an accent when telling Lance Pants he couldn't compete, it would be truly Soup Nazi-ish in fashion.)

Acccusations have been made yet AGAIN against 7-time Tour de France winner, cancer survivor and yellow wristband reppin' Lance Armstrong, insisting that the bicycling bro used performance enhancing drugs.

For what seems like the billionth (but is roughly just the millionth) time, a case has been opened to investigate Armstrong's apparent doping which, apparently, means he'll no longer be eligible to compete in International Ironman competitions. (One of which he won in Hawaii less than 2 weeks ago--like a boss.)

The US Anti-Doping Association (the nation's biggest buzzkill...literally) is opening investigations into Armstrong and five former teammates, saying they collected blood samples from him in both 2009 and 2010 that were "fully consistent with blood manipulation including EPO use and/or blood transfusions."

Apparently there's no statute of limitations on this steroid shit.

In true passive aggressive form--like the roommate who leaves you 16 post-its to clean your crumbs off the counter--the USADA sent a bitchy (and excessively long) 15-page letter to Armstrong and others about a doping conspiracy that allegedly lasted from 1998-2011 (7 years of which Lance dominated France and won the Tour). Meanwhile another American retired cyclist, admitted drug user, and apparently TOTAL TATTLETALE (cough-pussy-cough), Tyler Hamilton, claimed on 60 Minutes in 2011 that he saw Armstrong inject blood-boosting EPO back in 1999.

(SAY IT AIN'T SO, LANCE, SAY IT AIN'T SO.)

Armstrong himself is--as to be expected--royally pissed off, claims it's a conspiracy to strip him of his victories, and insists he's innocent: "I have never doped, and, unlike many of my accusers, I have competed as an endurance athlete for 25 years with no spike in performance, passed more than 500 drug tests and never failed one."

So yeah, get ready for millions of wasted dollars and excessive news coverage as the USADA tries to determine if it's drugs, skill or just goddamn Gatorade that's enabled Lance to spend years kicking ass, taking names and going totally...ball to the wall.

 

 

 

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