Lance Armstrong: "Ehhh f**k it"

Posted by admin on Friday, August 24, 2012

After years of accusations, the yellow wristband-bedecked, Tour de France dominating, one-balled wonder, Lance Armstrong, has finally decided to throw in the denial towel and announce that he's sick of fighting it...

"It" being the accusations that he used performance-enhancing drugs.

"There comes a point in every man's life when he has to say, 'Enough is enough,'" a defeated Armstrong wrote in a statement to news agencies. "For me, that time is now. I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999."

And it's true that he has been fighting allegations for, essentially, forever, but it's kind of fair that we suspect his athletic prowess isn't quite all natural. And it's nothing personal! It's just that if someone can freaking win 7 Tour de Frances (which, by the way, according to Wiki answers, are each like 2235 miles long), you're kinddda inclined to think they might be juicing...doping...shooting up...stacking--all that shittt.

BUT is it really fair to keep accusing homeboy? Never has he ever tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, so wouldn't that indicate that he hasn't, actually, done performance enhancing drugs? If someone showed up at a job interview and proceeded to laugh hysterically, sit dazed and/or eat a shitload of snacks--BUT passed their drug test--would it be fair to deny employment on the basis that nobody can be that goddamn amused, out of it or muh fuggin' HUNGRY sans being stoned?

I mean, I'm not saying he isn't doing something crazy that allows him to bike approximately a million miles; the fact that he slipped a little roid roofie in the Gatorade is a total possibility. But is it fair to accuse someone of cheating just because they're really freaking awesome?

In the end, apparently pointing fingers take their toll and it was just easier for Lance Pants to resign himself to his fate and stop fighting the charges. The shitty part? Opting out of the whole arbitration process apparently means the USADA is gonna get real krunk and strip Armstrong of all seven Tour de France titles plus his 2000 Olympic bronze medal andddd BAN HIM FROM COMPETITION--FOR LIFE.

Shit, that stationary bike is about to see a lot more action.


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