If you have to cry, write a blog; and other things Jon Hoffman told me

Posted by admin on Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Michael Jackson might be the King of Pop, but I am the King of break ups/being single. I know this may be hard to believe, because I am so classy and have so much pizzazz, but it is true. I am 98% convinced Adele is rich solely because of me and all my dramatic antics--you’re welcome Adele! Though I am single, I am not desperate! If I learned anything in life it’s that being single is a gift, not a curse. I’m pretty sure if I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t have had the time to do things like memorize all the song lyrics to “The Little Mermaid†and pin things on my Wedding board on Pinterest... Without further ado, here is everything a guy/girl should do when you are single, and there is no sign of that changing:

Whitening Strips: Having an amazing smile is a basic human right! Whitening strips are a necessity in living the single lifestyle! You’re not gonna get any attention from anyone cute or your ex if you have yellow teeth in your Facebook profile picture.

Work Out: “Girl look at that body! I work out.†Staying in shape is crucial. If you’re gonna be running around San Marcos like a crazy person looking for love, then you have to have good stamina!

Boone’s Farm: Always have your fridge stocked with a bottle(s) of wine or a 12-pack of beer. Part of being single is entertaining guests in hopes that one guest is your soulmate. Even if you’re not entertaining anyone, liquid courage is a must when checking your ex’s Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram profile.

Kardashians: I live my life vicariously through Kim Kardashian, which is probably why I am still single! The Kardashian clan may be interesting to watch, but don’t trust any of their dating advice; trust mine instead!

Stay Fresh: Drink a lot of water and always be prepared to run into your ex. Casual Fridays are not an option when you are single. Steer clear from sweat pants!

I'd like to conclude my blog post with a little optimism. The #1 rule of being single is to never give up hope! Stay excited and stay amazing. If you ever find yourself feeling super sad and lonely, just picture me singing, "A part of your world," and know you're not alone. So that is my single lifestyle rant. Enjoy yourself and don’t do anything that I would do!

(Authors Note: To all my exes, Eat your heart out! I made it in the big leagues--I am now a writer for Study Breaks)


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