Posted by admin on Thursday, October 25, 2012

Child stardom is hard--

Just ask Honey Boo Boo. Sure, now she's rollin' in reality show dough but it's only a matter of time before her life takes a turn for the typical: coke-riddled alcoholism, exploitation by bitter relatives and an inevitable appearance on "Celebrity" Rehab.

But some child celebrities beat the odds and avoided weird Macaulay Culkin-esque fades into obscurity and Lindsay Lohan-style arrests, accusations and general shitshow-ness. (We still love ya, LiLo!) So today, we salute you, still-functioning-and-not-f***king-up-in-society stars. Without you, we'd have lost total faith in the pushy parents and child labor loopholes that make Hollywood great.


Leo started off strong with a short stint in Growing Pains and we could only assume that little Luke Bower was destined to return to the land of misfit toys in former star obscurity before things really took off with cult classic What's Eating Gilbert Grape, a--ya know--semi-big role in Romeo and Juliet and the movie that skyrocketed him to superstar status and marked the transition from you-can't-say-he's-hot-because-that's-pedophilia to teenage heartthrob and Teen People cover boy (you can still buy the issue here...seriously): Titanic. Homie could've gone down a dark road (see aforementioned coke-riddled alcoholism) but fast forward and homeboy's got a flawless film record. I mean, Blood Diamond, The Departed, Gangs of New York, Inception--and an upcoming roll in The Great Gatsby. Touche, DiCaprio, touché.





One movie, two letters: ET. Child stardom is hard enough, but when your co-star's a freaky-ass alien (WITH A HEART OF GOLD), you can only imagine how much that could f*** a child up. And sure she had a couple stints in rehab and some totez downplayed substance abuse, but hey, today Drew isn't making appearances on Dr. Drew, she's got her own production company and she still makes semi-decent movies every once in a while. For that, she makes the list. Well, for that and Charlie's Angels. Good shit.



Who woulda thought a dozen years ago when N*Sync was flyin' high and Justin was dancing whilst attached to puppet strings, saying farewell excessively and rocking highlights, that today he'd be on top of his celeb game. He's made appearances on SNL with his dick in a box (instead of Britney Spears' box--zing!), is acting alongside A-list stars and has steered away from donning horrifyingly "hip" denim ensembles in favor of designing his own denim line. (Holllaaa William Rast!) And though I was more of a Backstreet Boys fan myself, I gotta say: JT? HOT-TIE!





Remember Third Rock from the Sun? Yeah, me neither. But apparently--in the glorious world of bizarre 90's TV--Joseph Gordon Levitt played an alien in a human's body living--you guessed it--on the third closest planet to the sun. (SPOILER ALERT: IT'S EARTH) Really though, he's just on the list because homeboy stays out of the media and has a shitload of films out recently/now/soon. Also, he's hot as hell and would totally have a prime spot on an upcoming list: FORMER CHILDHOOD STARS I'D LIKE TO BANG. (Keep in mind that neva eva is the word "former" more important--don't wanna end up on Megan's List.)





These babes made their Hollywood debut as babies approx 5 minutes after birth, sliding--probably still covered in placenta--from the womb straight onto the small screen via Full House. I really don't understand how you audition for a role when you're too young to talk, but I can only assume they landed the spot because they were cute and there were two of them--i.e. there's at least a solid chance that at a pivotal filming moment at least one of them wouldn't be crying and was capable of chilling silently while Danny Tanner doled out wise parent-approved advice and Uncle Jesse moussed up his mullet. And that was just the tip of the iceberg as the twins starred in about (and this is a rough guess) 67578658 TV specials, videos, movies and television series. Despite Mary Kate's eating disorder controversy, they've been doing pretty solidly with a couple kick-ass clothing lines and an unrivaled sense of style. (They basically STARTED the boho trend--helloooo.)

And how did they end up successful? I think we can all agree: Bob Saget's nannying skills.


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