Everyone wants to be famous. Thatâ€™s a pretty much proven fact. The problem is a lot of us are untalented. Well, so is Paris Hilton, but she managed. This is because her parents are incredibly wealthy. The next easiest way to be famous aside from being rich is being a whore. Preferably a rich whore. A sex tape will work wonders for your fame. â€œBut I donâ€™t have any talents, an overactive libido or money,â€ you say. Then this article is for you. Here are seven ways you can reach ultimate fame without knowing how to do anything or necessarily being attractive:
1. Get in a Fight with a Rapper
It seems that these days rappers are always getting in fights with each other, and I have only heard of one of the artists that is part of this tussle. My theory is that they are, in fact, not rappers at all but just random people who look trashy enough to be one. They have capitalized on this, realizing that being a rapper is the only job where face tattoos are acceptable and you can wear a wife beater 24/7. Because record contracts are hard to come by, they decide that beating up Drake will be the closest they come to getting this career. So, like any logical human being, they frequent the same clubs as rappers and start referring to themselves as Lil' (insert white people name here). Everyone will just assume they are also a rapper, which will eventually result in a turf war of sorts. Pretty soon TMZ will pick it up and everyone will hear your name and will start expecting to hear some songs. BAM record deal. Just for being trashy.
2. Have an Irresponsible Amount of Children
Octomom. Kate Gosselin. Catholics...They are all notable for one thing: having too many damn kids. There is nothing special about these people except for the fact they are either crazy or have really weird uteruses. If you really want a reality show, I suggest you find the nearest person and have sex with them. Wait nine months. Have baby. Repeat steps 1-3 between 9 and 15 times. While these children will surely have severe issues from neglect and possibly malnourishment depending on how wealthy you are, it will be okay because people will know you around the world. If you want a quicker way to do this and really just donâ€™t want to waste the time with all that pregnancy nonsense, you could always steal babies from poor neighborhoods or Walmart parking lots. Seeing that itâ€™s illegal, if you choose this option I suggest that you be very sneaky about it. Or just kill all the witnesses. Itâ€™s up to you.
3. Survive an Attack from a Sea Creature
While this is probably the most dangerous on the list, nothing will lead you to local fame like getting a limb taken off by a shark. Yeah, youâ€™ll be in a lot of pain and deformed, blah blah blah. But you will get your own Lifetime movie. And thatâ€™s whatâ€™s really important. Hundreds of middle-aged women will know your story!!! Now how to go about this: The easiest way would be to â€œfallâ€ into some form of animal tank at Sea World and do all of the things they tell you not to do in the ocean. Thrash around, hit the animals etc. I suggest already being covered in animal blood when you do this. Also make sure a trainer is really close to pull you out before you actually die, because then you canâ€™t enjoy your fame.
4. Found Your Own Cult
It doesnâ€™t matter if you actually believe in it or not--just that you can make other people believe. Write some sort of science fiction book (it doesnâ€™t even have to be good) that is modeled after the Bible in that it tells the beginning and end of time. And of course, YOU didnâ€™t write this, (insert your godâ€™s name) told you what to write and you wrote it down. Make up a bunch of crazy rules about clothing and sex and there you go: A cult in the making. Then you must find a bunch of young, impressionable and stupid people to tell this story to. Once you convince them that itâ€™s real, guilt trip them into telling other people about it. Before you know it, Â youâ€™ll have hundreds of followers and the news will start paying attention, mainly because you canâ€™t be quiet about any of this. Posters. Flyers. Newspaper ads. Anything you can to spread the word of (insert cult name). Once you get enough followers, you have to set up a compound that is heavily guarded, force all of them in there and BAM. Infamy. Thatâ€™s sort of fame, right?
5. Say John Travolta Tried to Have Sex with You
Naturally this will only work if you are a man, seeing the recent route he has been taking. But if you are a male who has even given massages you may as well get on the bandwagon while you can. Youâ€™re bound to get on at least one talk show.
6. Have a Nasty Amount of Plastic Surgery
Weâ€™ve all seen them... regrettably, I might add. Those people that look more like tacky cartoon characters than the species that they were originally born. There are a lot of different surgeries you can have that will make you famous... at least for a moment. You can get so many breast implants that your boobs look like watermelons, so many collagen injections that your lips look like an intertube or have so many facelifts that blinking alone takes effort. To ensure your fame, I suggest doing all three. If you want to get REALLY into it, have a monkey chew your face off and then a dead homeless womanâ€™s face plastered onto your own. This will take a really long time, thus you will get a lot of coverage. I thought about making this a separate category, but itâ€™s still technically plastic surgery. Plus this option shows a lot of dedication to being famous, which is always a good thing. Would Kim Kardashian let a primate chew her face off just to get some publicity? I think not! You would definitely win that round.
Tell TLC (as in the cable network that ironically stands for The Learning Network) that you can do... well anything. You donâ€™t even really have to be able to do it. Just act. If you have watched this channel for more than 30 minutes you have probably discovered that most of their shows are just about normal-ish people who can reportedly do one kind of uncommon thing well. Can you clip coupons? Hoard things? Do you possess psychic ability? Can you pretend you have psychic ability? Then they probably have a time slot for you. Another plus is if your family is crazy as f*ck. (I use the asterisk because that will keep you from knowing what the word actually is.Yay censorship!!!) Anyway getting a show on TLC is the epitomy of getting famous without being talented or rich. Not only will it make you moderately famous, but it will make your family famous too! Now they will be just as deluded and egomaniacal as you! Itâ€™s totally a win-win situation. If you establish a decent enough following you may even spur a â€œWhere are they now?â€ segment on E! News. Do I smell a comeback?