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7 Ways to Awkwardly Avoid Your Ex

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Posted by admin on Monday, August 20, 2012

So if you’ve followed my posts at all, you’d know I am a big fan of lists, but this is by far the most sacred. No one really wants to run into their exes or one night stands, and it seems like when you see them they always want to “catch up.†Like it’s their responsibility to keep up with your life. Part of me prefers the ex that horrifiedly stares at you from across the room, but those are hard to come by it seems. Other than moving to a different state, there aren’t a whole lot of options on how to avoid all this. This is where I come in to help. Warning: lots of effort may be involved in each of these.

Always Carry Fake Shrubbery

Think about it. It’s brilliant! You see your ex coming down the street and you pull a mass of fake shrubs from your large yet fashionable backpack. Then you lean yourself against a nearby building and arrange the shrubs over you, wait until you ex has walked by and voila! You have officially awkwardly avoided them. Plus with this method you can get all creative with what type of shrubbery you use. You can be a rose bush, a giraffe-shaped topiary or just a traditional shrub. It’s absolutely fool proof, aside from the weird looks you’ll get when you come out of your foliage costume.

This will be you at Home Depot

Wear an Eyepatch

Everyone will just assume that you are the evil twin version of yourself. Soap opera stereotypes are good for something! Your ex won’t dare make contact with you because he’s afraid of what your sadistic twin will do. If you would like to be further convincing you could speak in a really intimidating British accent, then there will be no doubt in anyone’s mind that you are indeed an evil twin.

Buy an Obituary for Yourself

Naturally this will only work if your ex reads the paper, so your chances are about 1 out of 80, but if they do, you’re golden. You can also get pretty creative with this one, depending on how stupid your ex is. Bear attack, avalanche, typhoid--the choices are endless. Then the next time they see you they will just assume that it is either a ghost or just their guilt getting to them.

Wear a Twilight-Themed Shirt

No one will want to claim they know you. Much less dated you.

Literally Run From Them.

Not really a lot of instruction needed for this one. But I’ve put this here anyway.

Pretend You’ve Gone Deaf and Blind

Dark sunglasses and a cane and you’re set for this one. I’ve never known why blind people wear sunglasses, but for this you’ll be glad they do. You can walk around seeing everything, but when your ex sees you naturally they’ll assume you’re blind. They may try to speak to you but you just keep walking because, after all, you’re deaf. The best part is you don’t have to make up some awful story about why you’re deaf and blind because you can’t “see†or “hear†them asking you about it. You can just ignore them without them thinking you’re a bitch. Plus you can be really fancy and get one of those diamond encrusted pimp canes to use as your walking stick. Not only do you get to be an ass to your ex BUT you inherit swag!

Drive an Army Tank Everywhere You Go

They have everything on eBay. I’m sure you can get one of these pretty cheap. I’m not sure if you have to have a specific license to drive one of these bad mofos but that’s your problem. The main thing you need to worry about is actually seeing your ex because you can’t see shit when you’re driving it. Will you run over innocent citizens and destroy surrounding foliage? Absolutely. But you will avoid your former lover. Hey, you may go to jail because you killed every living thing within a 10 mile radius but it’ll be sooooooo worth it! Plus you will have gotten to drive an army tank. Who doesn’t want to do that?

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