So if youâ€™ve followed my posts at all, youâ€™d know I am a big fan of lists, but this is by far the most sacred. No one really wants to run into their exes or one night stands, and it seems like when you see them they always want to â€œcatch up.â€ Like itâ€™s their responsibility to keep up with your life. Part of me prefers the ex that horrifiedly stares at you from across the room, but those are hard to come by it seems. Other than moving to a different state, there arenâ€™t a whole lot of options on how to avoid all this. This is where I come in to help. Warning: lots of effort may be involved in each of these.
Always Carry Fake Shrubbery
Think about it. Itâ€™s brilliant! You see your ex coming down the street and you pull a mass of fake shrubs from your large yet fashionable backpack. Then you lean yourself against a nearby building and arrange the shrubs over you, wait until you ex has walked by and voila! You have officially awkwardly avoided them. Plus with this method you can get all creative with what type of shrubbery you use. You can be a rose bush, a giraffe-shaped topiary or just a traditional shrub. Itâ€™s absolutely fool proof, aside from the weird looks youâ€™ll get when you come out of your foliage costume.
Wear an Eyepatch
Everyone will just assume that you are the evil twin version of yourself. Soap opera stereotypes are good for something! Your ex wonâ€™t dare make contact with you because heâ€™s afraid of what your sadistic twin will do. If you would like to be further convincing you could speak in a really intimidating British accent, then there will be no doubt in anyoneâ€™s mind that you are indeed an evil twin.
Buy an Obituary for Yourself
Naturally this will only work if your ex reads the paper, so your chances are about 1 out of 80, but if they do, youâ€™re golden. You can also get pretty creative with this one, depending on how stupid your ex is. Bear attack, avalanche, typhoid--the choices are endless. Then the next time they see you they will just assume that it is either a ghost or just their guilt getting to them.
Wear a Twilight-Themed Shirt
Literally Run From Them.
Pretend Youâ€™ve Gone Deaf and Blind
Dark sunglasses and a cane and youâ€™re set for this one. Iâ€™ve never known why blind people wear sunglasses, but for this youâ€™ll be glad they do. You can walk around seeing everything, but when your ex sees you naturally theyâ€™ll assume youâ€™re blind. They may try to speak to you but you just keep walking because, after all, youâ€™re deaf. The best part is you donâ€™t have to make up some awful story about why youâ€™re deaf and blind because you canâ€™t â€œseeâ€ or â€œhearâ€ them asking you about it. You can just ignore them without them thinking youâ€™re a bitch. Plus you can be really fancy and get one of those diamond encrusted pimp canes to use as your walking stick. Not only do you get to be an ass to your ex BUT you inherit swag!
Drive an Army Tank Everywhere You Go
They have everything on eBay. Iâ€™m sure you can get one of these pretty cheap. Iâ€™m not sure if you have to have a specific license to drive one of these bad mofos but thatâ€™s your problem. The main thing you need to worry about is actually seeing your ex because you canâ€™t see shit when youâ€™re driving it. Will you run over innocent citizens and destroy surrounding foliage? Absolutely. But you will avoid your former lover. Hey, you may go to jail because you killed every living thing within a 10 mile radius but itâ€™ll be sooooooo worth it! Plus you will have gotten to drive an army tank. Who doesnâ€™t want to do that?