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Posted by admin on Thursday, October 25, 2012

There are myriad reasons why Halloween is the most epic of all holidays--I could write 18 blogs on the merits of candy corn alone. (I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER.) But when you think about it, Halloween for kids--kind of a terrible concept. Allow me to explain why the whole premise of this holiday is kind of an awful idea for anyone under the age of adult.

1. IT'S DANGEROUS

I meannnn would you let a kid nonchalantly stroll up to this?

Riddle me this: Why, 364 days of the year,do we bombard children with warnings, threats, and horror stories all based on one piece of advice, "Don't take candy from strangers," and then throw it all out the window on October 31st and encourage kids to venture out into the night and take candy from EVERY STRANGER IN A WALKABLE RADIUS?! Sure, there are SOME boundaries. Like don't eat that apple because there's probably a razor blade inside from that sick sonofabitch 2 blocks away. But generally speaking, parents are basically ushering their spawn into the night and encouraging them to do exactly what they've been warning them not to do since they were old enough to understand the temptations of a Snicker's bar.

Unless that Iron Man costume renders them un-kidnappable, uhh...it's not so logical.

ahhh!

2. IT LEADS TO OBESITY, CAVITIES, AND GENERALLY ANNOYING BEHAVIOR

Now I love me some Laffy Taffy and I go muh fuggin' CRAZY for a Kit Kat, don't get me wrong. I actually consider myself a candy connoisseur of sorts--a sugar savant, if you will. But do you really want children stuffing themselves full of fats and what's essentially the kid version of crack cocaine, sugar? Not only are they going to pack on the pounds due to their immature irrationality and general lack of self control, but they'll also rot their teeth with every Runt, jelly bean and JuJu fruit that enters their greedy little mouths. Because kids? Totally shitty when it comes to dental hygiene. PLUS by allowing them to gorge themselves on Halloween treats, as a society, we're setting ourselves up for hours of spazzy little midgets bouncing off the walls and screaming in annoyingly shrill voices. Yup, kids and a giant-ass pumpkin full of candy. GREAT combination.

3. IT'S SCARY

Goosebumps' Night of the Living Dummy still haunts my dreams--you're a sick man, R.L. Stine

I'll be honest: My dreams are still haunted by possessed mannequins, psychopathic sponges and masks that come alive, all courtesy of the Goosebumps episodes I'd watch as a kid. And you know what happens when kids are scared? They want to do stuff like clasp your hand with their sticky fingers, cry and engage in other equally annoying activities. So remind me again why we think it's a great idea to ignite their imaginations with ghost stories, horror movies and some shockingly scary displays? By letting children indulge in some good ol' fashioned fright, parents are also setting themselves up for months of sleepless nights and having to explain repeatedly that no, Charlie--there's NO GODDAMN MONSTER UNDER THE BED. Kids...smh. Idiots.

Actually, if the kid thinks he's a mime, that's great. At least he'll be quiet.

4. IT CAUSES IDENTITY CRISES

You show me a kid on October 31st with an eyepatch and I'm gonna be like "Hell yeah! Thatttt is adorable." And yeah, little Pirate Peter--totez presh. But come November when homeboy is convinced he's still on the ship and parents are getting notes home because he's dead set on rocking his peg leg in PE and it's totally interfering with that crucial game of kickball? Time for a reality check. And Sally? Sure she was a pretty little princess for Halloween, but when the method acting carries over into every day and she's getting "royalty" confused with reality? Sorry, now she's just being a bossy little bitch. Why don't we just save ourselves the trouble and let them play pretend sans props on their own time.

 

 

5. IT'S CRAMPING MY STYLE

Every tootsie roll I begrudgingly dump in the bucket of some little Lightning McQueen is one I don't get to eat. And I don't like the sound of that.

 

Actually, f*** it--let's be real. They can totally have the tootsie rolls.

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