We know, we know--it's all superstition. Surrrre it's Friday the 13th, but what's that even mean anyways?! It's totally not like Jason's gonna jump out from behind a tree all "LOOK AT MY HOCKEY MASK BITCHEZZZ--I'M GON' KILL YOU" style and you'll be like "PUCK YOU!" (See it's funny because...)
But, in the honor of paying homage to the most unlucky of days, I've compiled a list of guilty pleasures to indulge in today to counteract any potential bad luck...and to help you recover from last night's hangover. (Damn you, Thursday the 12th!)
1. Take a nap. (GODDAMN THIS LIST IS STARTING OFF WITH A BANG!!!!!!) It'll make you noticeably more tolerable--aka no one will be uncomfortably pretending to crack their back while they scan the room for a getaway as you bitch for 35 minutes about how the grocery store stopped carrying your favorite burrito brand and your mom keeps telling you to take your vitamins--and you'll look totez refreshed when you go out tonight. It's called beauty sleep for a reason, bitches.
2. Listen to "Call me Maybe." Don't even pretend to be ashamed. Blast it loud, sing out loud, be proud. Throw in some Harvard baseball team dance moves if you're really feelin' funky. It's a glorious f-----g song. Let's not waste time and effort pretending otherwise.
3. Eat 1-4 apple fritters. Will it make you feel like you're going to throw up in your desk chair approximately 17 minutes later? Yes, but at the time you'll wonder why you've ever expended energy on (almost) anything else you've put in your mouth.
4. Go on a boat. Actually--f--- it. Just listen to "I'm on a Boat"...and wear a nautical-themed pashmina afghan...obviously. Don't forget to do flips and shit.
5. Go to thoughtcatalog.com and read all of Josh Gondelman's posts. Don't ask--just do it. Hilarious. Begin your binge with 10 Simple Ways to Avoid Getting Laid. Â Because God KNOWS slapping horny hotties off ourselves all day, every day, is exhaussstinggg.
6. And WHILE YOU'RE ON YOUR COMPUTER, head over to Total Frat Move.Â Surrrre it'll make you lose faith in humanity a little bit, but it's funny shit. And you'll totally hate yourself for agreeing.
7. Brunch. Brunch like there's not tomorrow. At a buffet, preferably. (After you've vommed up those apple fritters.) The REAL 4th meal--suck it, Taco Bell--brunch has a special place in the hearts of anyone who stays up past midnight. An omelet AND waffles? Done. AN ENTIRE CAKE?! Check. Bottomless mimosas--IN MY APPLE BOTTOM JEANS?! Don't mind if I do!~!~!~! Â Yeah...I'm probably going to throw up again.
8. Sweat. Maybe it's just because I've got hyperhidrosis and shit and I'm trying to make it seem cool to sweat balls (PIMPIN' AND PERSPIRIN', Y'ALL). But really, sweating just has a way of making you feel like you actually accomplished something. Even if it's just because you're, like, super uncomfortable in social situations. And yes, it's easy for me to lecture you on the finer points of exercise while I sit at my desk typing...moistly. Shit's strenuous, bro.
9. Watch this Peyton Manning SNL skit. Chase with these youtube videos.
11. Go on a f-----g swing set. If little kids are hogging them all, use your God-given physical superiority and (gently *disclaimer*) remove them. Survival of the fittest, BABIES. #(DAR)WINNING
12. Go to Costco. Eat samples. Buy nothing. Stick it to the man...the economy-size man.
13. Skydive. YOLO!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!