Whiskey for My Men, Jello Shots for My Betta Fish

In honor of this weekend’s Derby, we’ve created a drinking game for the race, as well as for some other, lesser-known animal sports.

By Will Strecker, University of Texas at Austin


Kentucky Derby:

Since the traditional drink of the Derby is the Mint Julep, that’s all you’re gonna drink. If you’re playing with friends (and you should be), it’s best to make multiple pitchers of the stuff. Also, make sure you have some shot glasses and a bottle of Kentucky bourbon or whiskey, because I think I also want you to take shots. Yes, I do want you to take shots.

First, everyone you’re with must pick a horse to win the race. Once the race starts, begin drinking your Mint Julep and don’t stop until the race is over. If you need to refill, pour a refill. This is where pitchers come in handy.

Once the race is finished, put down your Mint Julep and see if your horse won. If it did, congratulations, you may know leisurely sip and enjoy your Mint Julep.

If your horse didn’t win, first take a shot of whiskey. After that, one-by-one the losers must try and name a previous Derby winner until everyone has tried once. Horse names and jockey names are both acceptable answers, though I’d think jockeys’ names would be harder to remember. If you can’t think of one, take another shot. If you repeat a name that someone else said, take a shot.

Those that failed this most recent round must be blindfolded, spun around and forced to pour Mint Juleps for everyone else.

Since there may be more than one loser, take turns doing this. One person is blindfolded and spun, and then pours up for everyone; once everyone finishes their drinks, the next loser is blindfolded and spun, and then pours up for everyone. And so on and so forth.

Know that as you do this, I’ll be living vicariously through you.

Cock Fights:

Prior to the fight, begin by cutting a pound of chicken breast into strips and soaking it in tequila for 12 hours. Keep that bottle of tequila handy, grab a wooden mallet and you’re ready for the fight.

Divide the party into two teams, one for each chicken, and start the cock fight. Every time your team’s chicken pecks the other team’s chicken, eat a tequila-soaked chicken strip.

If your chicken tries to fly/run away from the other chicken, eat chicken strip. If your chicken wins the fight, finish the chicken strips, take a pull of tequila and then whack yourself in the nuts with the wooden mallet until you pass out.

Stop cock fighting.

Greyhound Races:

A note before continuing: Since greyhound racing is governed by state law, you may have to go to another state to watch a race. Also, the humaneness of greyhound racing is kind of a grey area (lol), so please don’t be offended.

Supplies you’ll need before playing: liquor of your choice, a taxidermied rabbit and rawhides. Enough rawhides for everyone playing.

Similar to the Kentucky Derby, each player picks a dog to win the race. For the entirety of the race, each player must hold a rawhide in their mouth and touch the taxidermy rabbit somewhere on its body.

Whoever wins the race can drop the rawhide and remove their hand from the rabbit. If you want to keep chewing the rawhide, that’s unusual but totally acceptable, and I don’t want to stop you from doing you.

If you are one of the many that lost the race, you must do the following: keep the rawhide in your mouth, remove your hand from the rabbit, pour yourself a double shot of liquor and down it without removing the rawhide.

RECOMMENDED  Fashion Takedown: Pope Francis v. Fidel Castro

Then, get down on your hands and knees and race each other around whatever room you’re in. If you’re not in a room, the winner designates the course. Whoever wins gets to excuse themselves from the game (or can keep playing, whatever), while the losers stand up and repeat the previous two steps.

This goes on until there’s only one player left standing. He or she must sleep in a dog crate for the rest of the evening, if for no other reason than they’re probably a drunken mess.

Dog Fights:

If you participate in dog fights, there’s something seriously messed up with you. Chug Everclear until you turn into a heaping pile of stinky mush and goop on the ground.

Betta Fish Fights:

In tribute to the incredible colors of Betta Fish, this game is going to involve…JELLO SHOTS!!!! You have to make the shots yourself, however, because I don’t know of any place that sells them straight up.

Ideally, each player will have their own Betta Fish. Since I understand that’s kind of a stretch, you can just divide into two teams, à la the cock fighting. In all honesty, there’s really not much that happens in these fights, so any time the fish make a little contact with each other, take a jello shot.

Drinking Games for the Kentucky Derby, and More

If your fish dies, you should first feel guilty that you just sat there and watched two fish fight to the death. Then remember that fish aren’t very smart and probably didn’t know what was happening, so don’t feel too guilty.

However, if your fish loses, you and your team must finish all the jello shots, and then take the dead Betta (unless it’s not dead, then leave it alone) and give it a proper burial. Eulogies and all. Respect your little fish friend!

Camel Wrestling:

Since camel wresting isn’t really an American thing, you’re probably going to have to tune into Turkish TV for this one.

Raki is a Turkish liquor and ideal for this game, but if you can’t find any Raki at your local liquor store, don’t fret. Any liquor will do. In the name of good sport, we’re not going to divide into teams. Instead, everyone will be drinking together, as one united group of drinking buddies.

Camels will only fight if they’re starving or competing for a female during mating season, so if you see any hot female camels during the fight, take a couple shots and get yourself into the ring. Just kidding! She’s a camel, bro. Not cool.

Camels fight by beating each other with their necks, so any time one of the camels gets in a solid neck shot, find a partner, lock necks and take a shot. Once one of the camels falls to the ground, the fight’s over. When this happens, pass around the open bottle(s) of Raki until it’s finished.

In honor of the winning camel’s triumph in battle and newfound mate, uhh…I don’t know, hopefully you have a mate nearby so the camel’s not the only one getting any action that night.