The Worst and Best Kinds Of Old High School Friends

One is really into fitness now, one is married, one might be homeless and one definitely isn’t over their high school ex.

By John Miles, Santa Fe College

No matter where you’re from, all college students have the same old high school friends.

Be it the “Heart Disease Friend” or the “Stay Out Of My Current Business Friend,” you will quickly find that there are good old friends, and there are bad old friends.

Here is a list to help you decipher between the two.

“On to Substantially Cooler Things” Friend

When they come back home from Yale or Harvard or Oxford, this friend has a facial expression that screams, “We both know that I am doing way cooler things than you, and that I will eventually earn substantially more money than you.”

This is OK, and you should learn to accept your friend for the egotistical genius that they are. After all, they are doing way cooler things than you.

“Heart Disease” Friend

When some people graduate high school, they decide that the only way to stay afloat in the fast-rushing stream of the world is to become an aggressive-to-the-point-of-self-mutilation chain smoker.

Your heart disease friend is a good guy, but realistically, he’s smoking enough cigarettes to supply complementary second-hand smoke to the entire population of New York City.

You may consider helping him, if you’re somehow able to reach him through that thick cloud of tar that floats around his body wherever he goes.

“70 Hours a Week Minimum Wage Worker” Friend

Here is your dishwasher friend who works in the back of a restaurant from the crack of dawn to the graveyard shift every single day of the week.

He will be doing this for another 5 years, at which point he will be appointed manager of the restaurant, and he will finally have arrived.

Don’t expect to be able to talk to him after he’s been promoted—big time blue collar workers can’t be seen talking with scrubs like you.

Odds are, this is a Trump supporter, which is totally OK since the only time he can speak his mind is when he’s washing dishes in the back of a small restaurant. In this respect, his blast radius is much smaller than most.

“Married at 19” Friend

This is the high school sweetheart couple that doesn’t go to college, doesn’t leave their hometown and doesn’t consider the implications of any of their actions.

It doesn’t matter how massively they’re in debt though, so long as they have each other.

It’s not uncommon for this friend to be combined with “70 Hours a Week Minimum Wage Worker” friend. For bonus points, the couple will manage a Waffle House together.

“Possibly Homeless” Friend

Is he/she in college? Is he/she in prison? These are valid questions when you think about your friend that’s dropped off from any kind of worldly communication.

Odds are, this person is a musician and has opted to hitchhike to New York City where he/she will enjoy a vibrant combination of music and homelessness.

Life-Changing Lessons I Learned While Studying Abroad

The good news is that they can’t go too far into debt because they’ll have nothing to pay off.

“Immediately Gets New Girlfriend” Friend

He was a total player for as long as you knew him, but just when you move away, he falls madly in love with a girl back home.

Too good to be true, you might say—DANNY has a GIRLFRIEND?!?!  First you will laugh and then you will cry, knowing that his Xbox Live time will take a significant hit, and your guys’ snapchat streak will be lost almost instantaneously.

“Absolutely Shredded” Friend

We’ve all experienced the loss of a friend to the world of hyper-fitness, be it a girl or a guy. Your old friend was a skinny, quiet fella, but things have changed.

Now, he’s absolutely shredded, energetic to the point of possible cocaine abuse and downright addicted to Instagram. Progress photos every day, no excuses. It’s an important motto for anyone who’s truly committed to the world of fitness.

“Bad Breakup with High School Sweetheart” Friend

We all know what this ends in—excessive amounts of booze and daily one-night stands. It’s OK to stay in contact with this person, but if they happen to be your roommate, brace for heavy fire.

Also, for their own sake, don’t let them on Tinder. At a tragic crossroads like this, there’s just too much damage that can be done.

“Stay Out of My Current Business” Friend

No explanation needed here. Your friend is Ron Swanson. He doesn’t give a damn about your life, and you don’t give a damn about his.

When the two of you meet again, you will nod to each other, shake hands and go down to the lake to silently fish together for an hour.

Then you’ll both be on your way again. This is the purest kind of friendship there is.

“Gossip” Friend

You know, that girl who always has the hometown scoop you’d been looking for. If anyone is pregnant now, she’ll know. If Frank’s mom had an affair and moved to California, she’ll know.

“Sorority” Friend

Your sorority friend’s very existence only acts as a kind of shadow to the world of her Instagram account.

It’s difficult to tell if the things she posts really happen within this reality, or if they occur as a part of her alternate Insta reality, where the Café Latte swirls perfectly every time and each new acquaintance is just a newly discovered bestie.

“Fraternity” Friend

Your fraternity friend operates similarly to your sorority friend in that their Instagram profile must be absolutely perfect. The difference is in strategy.

Instead of daily photos of coffee and besties, the fraternity friend posts a drinking photo once every two weeks with an extremely abbreviated caption like “Rowdy” or “Sweat.”

Another difference is that you’re positive that your fraternity friend is getting absurdly drunk every free day of the week.

“Person That Now Goes To Same School As You But You Avoid Because They’re Super, Super Weird” Friend

No further explanation needed here. It’s best to avoid altogether. Don’t ask questions.