GOP Highlights: Jeb Bush Smoked Weed 40 Yrs Ago

And you can call Scott Walker “Harley”

By Gabi Gimson

I am not a sommelier, and I am probably not qualified to write a blog on the matter (too many scorchingly hot dumplings have burned off most of my tastebuds). I do, however, drink a lot of inexpensive wine by myself and get emotional over Roseanne episodes (the blue collar struggle gets me feeling some type of way). In celebration of my first blog post falling on the night of the second GOP debate, this post shall be dedicated to BENGHAZI (never forget).

JK, we’re going to play “Match-That-GOP-Hopeful-to-that-Wine!”

Let’s Pray! Play*

Kirkland Signature Series Columbia Valley Red Wine 2013, $18.99

wineBasics: The Kirkland Signature Series Columbia Valley Red Wine is a blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Syrah, Petit Verdot and Cabernet Franc from Columbia Valley, Washington. It spends 15 months in French oak.

Description: This wine is full-bodied, bold, requires some airing-out, smells like Coca-Cola and tobacco, goes great with a big bowl of spaghetti and leaves a lingering taste.


it’s my favorite BIG flavor,

Chris Christie (is he running?)


Verdict: I don’ t know why but this wine/guy has a je ne sais quoi that cannot be ignored. Its complexity and unique flavor profile keep mama coming back for more. I know what you’re thinking: “But Gabi, I give Kirkland wine to my dogs!” NOT SO FAST, IGNORANT READER. Kirkland has some of the highest quality products for the best prices, and the wines are no exception. There’s nothing quite like strolling through the aisles of a sterile Costco warehouse with a cartful of wines, smiling smugly at parents with toeshoes, because they know. We all know.

Alright, here’s your chance to redeem yourself…


Columbia Crest Grand Estates Merlot 2012, $8

wine tooBasics: The Columbia Crest Grand Estates Merlot 2012 is 95% Merlot and 5% Cabernet Sauvignon from Columbia Valley, Washington.

Description: This wine is velvety-smooth with hints of black cherry, chocolate, spice and blackberry. It has an earthy finish and a complex but very drinkable synthesis of flavors. The wine is well-aged in new oak, and ibent sells at a bafflingly low price-point.

Yes, it’s that guy from Grey’s Anatomy,

Ben Carson!

Verdict: I’ll have some more.






2014 Bieler Pere et Fils Rose, $11

roseBasics: This soft-pink rosé from 5 hillside vineyards of Coteaux d’Aix en Provence is Grenache-driven (41%) blended with 38% Syrah, 12% Cabernet Sauvignon, 5% Cinsault and 4% Rolle.

Description: This wine has a peachy-pinkish color. It’s dry, dusty, rich, has a long finish, can usually be found at a convenient store and seems like a lot of fun until you’ve had too much.

The man of the hour, folks,

Donald Trump!

donVerdict: Okay, this wine is delicious, and not quite the same color as Trump. I watched Masterchefs Jr. whilst sipping this juice last night, and word of warning: it goes down like…juice. Trump isn’t always as easy to swallow, but uh he’s rich. This wine is frequently sold at gas stations, which is where I spend most of my money (I love lanyards), so there’s really no downside. Except it’s racist.





Le Jade Picpoul De Pinet 2013, $10

wineyBasics: 100% Picpoul from Languedoc, France

Description: There’s nothing sweet about this wine. It’s dry, tart, snappy, chalky and poignant. A wine with naturally high acidity, the name literally translates as “stings the lips.” Wishes it were American.

Reminds me of a tropical


Verdict: Fuck this guy. This game is so hard. I don’t want to diminish these wines, especially not this one, because icruzt’s so great. It’s tart, and sharp, and pairs well with seafood. This guy is a dick with a deformed Keebler elf face.





Thanks for playing!

I C U L8R ,


Gabi Gimson hails from Atlanta, GA and is in her last year at St. Edward’s University, studying literature with a focus on creative writing. She is a loving mother to her vicious Pit Bull pup, Diamond Gucci Venus Williams. Gabi spends most her free time meticulously grooming her eyebrows and writing odes to Fred Durst. Check out her blog, where she spouts uninformed opinions about the wine she happens to be guzzling.