Alcohol Sales OK’ed at UT Football Games


In honor of the first alcohol being sold in a game during Rice, concessions will be offering $2 sake shots all afternoon, and will feature half-price domestics and $4 wells. Ladies will get half-off before 8:00, and every Friday night there will be $3 you-call-‘ems.

The wine sales will prove especially lucrative during the beginning of the season, as a big glass of Merlot is the only thing to properly quench the thirst that standing uncovered in the sun for hours elicits. A chilled wine option would prove tantalizing, but seeing as how football stadiums hardly trust their patrons with plastic lids for their soft drinks, I imagine the wine will be sold in some sort of 5 Hour Energy capsule, slightly deadening the sophistication appeal.

UT Alcohol

Nothing says modern American like watching college football with a glass of sparkling Rosé in hand, except maybe double-fisting two eight-ounce shooters of Chardonnay. The wine sales will skyrocket among fraternity game-goers, as wine’s higher alcohol content will be the surest way to get dangerously dehydrated, leading to a killer buzz.

The beer, in all seriousness, will be a welcome addition. I would much rather spend my $30 on one Bud Light than on a half plate of nachos, and going back and forth to the concession stand to wait in line for beer is going to speed up the game.

Unfortunately, UT will be employing a strict “21 Means 21” rule, based largely off the same parameters that they employ on 6th Street. If you show an ID that says you’re below the legal drinking age, then good luck getting a beer, bub! Any ID that says you’re of legal drinking age—how much alcohol do you want?

Plus, even though students will try to illegally buy beer, there’s nothing to be feared, because the hordes of volunteers and underpaid concession workers who are incredibly rushed and disorganized, will all certainly be utilizing the most modern TABC tactics, thoroughly scanning and blacklighting each ID to test for fakes.

Every student will be asked their birthdate and address, and then the concession worker will slowly look the student up and down to see if they match the picture. Only after these incredibly thorough evaluations will a student be allowed to purchase an alcoholic beverage, assuring with 100 percent certainty that minors shalt not touch their lips to the Devil’s tears.

Still, students will most likely just take the drinks back to their seats and distribute them to whatever minor next to them gave them money to buy it, so despite the rigmarole that concessions workers will go through, effectively backing up lines years into the future, students will still be able to easily access unlimited alcohol.

Not to mention that many students—especially the ones buying alcohol—are already drunk, because only inebriation could make the prices and waits seem like a fair trade for what will undoubtedly be terrible quality booze. The combination of tailgating, heavy flask use and plentiful, relatively convenient alcohol will combine fatally with the high temperatures, prolonged exposure and exhaustion brought on by games, to effectively kill every last student. Whatever mastermind concocted the idea to legalize alcohol sales is orchestrating the largest, subtlest mass-murder of college students in recent history, and no one’s mad about it.

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