It can’t get any more meta than this: I’m writing an article about Spotify’s recent success at converting non-paying members into paying members, while I’m listening to the Spotify premium that I finally broke down and bought yesterday! Nothing points more convincingly to the existence of Ancient Aliens more than the alarmingly glitch-in-the-Matrix timing between the announcement and my advertisement-induced submission into Spotify’s Premium Service.

I had been listening to free Spotify for close to a year now, simply enduring the intermittent ads and still believing I was winning the odds game in the long run. I figured that most listeners caved and bought Premium or moved to a different music provider after a year, and that by staying a free listener for so long that I had got my money’s worth, so to speak. Like aggressively drinking and refilling fountain drinks at fast-food joints to get a little more bang for your buck, I thought that I was manipulating the system.

Two days ago I gave in, tweeting, “finally bought Spotify premium please keep me in your thoughts and prayers,” and received an outpouring of ironic emotional support from friends who had also undergone the same breakdown. After a while, in a cruel metric, the desire to have free music simply fails to outweigh the incredibly annoying Spotify ads, especially since so many of them are anti-smoking commercials that are really gross. I caved, and full disclosure, have been incredibly happy since then—and not that this is a Spotify-sponsored post—but The Provider (The Provider sounds so deistic) gives three months at 99 cents each in the beginning, truly gilding the music-streaming lily.

Then, mere hours after my collapse into the embrace of The Man, a report surfaced showing Spotify has shown an increased conversion rate from stingy non-payers to reluctant patrons. To quote Billboard: “ Previously released numbers have…had a 25 percent ratio of subscribers to total active users: 5 million subscribers and 20 million active users, 10 million subscribers and 40 million active users, and 15 million subscribers and 60 million active users. Had Spotify maintained that ratio, it would have 80 million rather than 75 million active users. What was a 25-percent ratio is now a 26.7-percent ratio.”

            The subscriber growth rate (33.3 percent) exceeded the growth rate of free listeners (25 percent), proving that Spotify has figured out the combination to the locks that protect the minds of music listeners. They’ve figured out a subtly efficient way to simultaneously annoy and allure listeners, and their plan is working.

            What’s more, Spotify also exceeded their goal for raised funds by $6 million dollars, so somebody at Spotify is having one hell of a party this week. All of this news is dwarfed by one final fact—the founder of Spotify is one of the creepiest looking guys I’ve seen in a long time, and the whole situation is marred a little bit by the feeling that even with all this money that guy might still be kind of a bummer.